Bloody peasants

I note Gmac's discussion of "the Beer Shield":

The Beer Shield is a college-born social tactic that young men pick up in dive bars and house parties. It is a fallback technique akin to a security blanket that should be shamed out of men. Keeping a beer close to your chest is a sign of insecurity. It’s no different from playing with your phone in a bar. It tells the other people around you, “Hey everyone! I’m awkward and have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with myself right now!” It signals desperation and confusion to the opposite sex. More importantly, it’s counterproductive to an approach mentality.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that there is a much more serious and underlying problem on display here. By holding a beer, by drinking beer, by even being credibly identified as a beer drinker, a man is signifying that he is an illiterate peasant, of solid, but hearty stock, the sort of man thick-waisted farm girls with red faces and ankles the size and shape of overstuffed German sausages expect to meet out behind the haystacks. Civilized men who attract beautiful women drink wine, preferably red wine, although prosecco and lambrusco are acceptable alternatives in the summer heat or on Friday night with pizza.

Women see wine drinkers as intrinsically more wealthy, handsome, and sophisticated, because they are. What cultures drink wine? The French and Italian. What cultures drink beer? The German and the English. Now ask yourself this question: towards which cultures are women more powerfully drawn? Here is a hint: neither are known for winning wars or eating sauerkraut.

The amusing thing is that the wine/beer delta is such a powerful social signifier that even if you are at a bar with a group of men and you are the only one to ask for a glass of cabernet, syrah, or pinot noir instead of a "heinie" or a "bud" - notice how even the names of the hops-related beverages are declasse - some modern version of an agricultural helot is bound to make a comment on the order of "well, la di dah". This only shows that he is cognizant of your social superiority, as well as the likelihood that you are, unlike him, wearing clean underwear.

Beer looks and smells like urine, that's why they have to chill it to zero degrees Kelvin in order to make it halfway palatable. Wine looks like blood and smells like the velvety nectar of the gods. And let's face it, women have not bought 18 bazillion masturbation fantasies about men who drink piss. As we all know, women prefer bad boys, and what does a supervillain drink in his hidden mountain lair? An ice cold Coors Light or a 1945 Chateau Mouton Rothschild? A frosty Miller Genuine Draft or a 2006 Brunello di Montalcino? To ask the question is to answer it.

But don't accept my word as law, (although in this case it would clearly be the height of reason and good sense), go forth and live the science! The next time you're out in mixed company and the men are all calling for their infantile "beerz" in order to nervously suck on what are quite clearly pacifier substitutes, remain calm and order "something red" instead. Don't play wine snob and make yourself look like an ass, if you're asked, just tell the service that whatever happens to be open will suit you nicely. If you have to choose because you find yourself at some savage, godforsaken place where the proprietor doesn't already have two or three nice bottles going, choose the merlot over the cabernet; the less expensive merlots are always more drinkable than the cheap cabs.

Don't be surprised if people look at you strangely. Men will wonder if you've come into an inheritance. Women will find themselves contemplating when you became so stylish. Attractive women whose names you do not know will attempt to press their lips against you. And in time, you, too, will learn to develop a healthy aristocratic contempt for the beer-swilling masses. My point, in case it has escaped your hops-addled mind, is that if you're utilizing the beer shield, the shield is arguably the least of your self-inflicted handicaps.

This post comes courtesy of Badger, who isn't a bad sort even if he does live in a hut and drink peasant brew.