GTOG Bachelorette Recap: Kalon, JEF, Stevie and more

By Finesse

By the time that woman was done milking her abdominal injury in the final seconds of Dancing With the Stars and ABC finally decided to start The Bachelorette at 9:31pm eastern time last night, we were ready.  Ready to hear Emily declare that she was ready, ready to watch Emily ride horses for no reason, and ready to watch Little Ricki callously disregard her global responsibility and release balloons into the air.  We felt like dancing.

We've covered just about everything you need to know in our Raw Emotion Podcast and our exhaustive, critically acclaimed preview.  But here are 10 follow up thoughts from last night's premiere after the jump...

10. Emily wants more than anything for Little Ricki to have a daddy, but Little Ricki sleeps in a California King-size bed.  Little Ricki seems to be doing alright.

But misses Brad, just like we do

9. Kalon implied that he was very rich and that he used to be a womanizer, but stated that he is now still rich though not a womanizer.  He said this in an obnoxious suit while descending into suburban Charlotte in a helicopter.  In other words, Kalon communicated the following: "I used to be an enormous douche, and now I'm the only one who doesn't think that I'm still an enormous douche."

"Ask me how much money I have.  No seriously, ask me."

8. David, the singer-songwriter and Mrs. Artistry's pick to win the whole thing had about as terrible of a performance as you can have in the first week, short of carrying an ostrich egg.  He spoke about how songwriting comes naturally to him, and then sang a song titled, "Emilyyy, Emillyyyyyyy" that consisted exclusively of the lyrics, "Emilllyyyyyyyyyy, Emillllyyyyyyyyy."

He also declared that he and Emily have "disparate facets" that compliment each other, which we assume can only mean that Emily is sane enough to be the responsible adult legally required to drive David home from the insane asylum.

Soft as straight baby thighs, son.

7. On our podcast last night, we made a vow to take JEF seriously after he lamented, "very rarely do people take me seriously, just because of the way I dress, the way I act."  As if those are not valid reasons.  Anyway, here are some thoughts on JEF from a female ...

When I first saw Jef's photo and bio on the Bachelorette website, I'll admit it, I laughed. His name, his hair... JEF? With just one F? Did he borrow the second one to form the impeccably styled coif atop his head? Ohhhh, how I LOLed. But sometimes love finds you when you're making fun of it on the Internet.

The second JEF appeared onscreen, weaving gracefully across a two-lane road on a simple black skateboard, wearing simple black skinny jeans and a simple bleached/acid-washed/multi-pocketed-and-buttoned vintage-but-not-actually-vintage denim Urban Outfitters jacket, I knew I'd underestimated him. And as JEF then said, people always underestimate him and his bottled water company. Those people should know this before they make the mistake of laughing at his name or his hair: 

-JEF is pronounced exactly how it looks -- Soft J, silent F, seven syllables; like a crescendo of tiny little waves crashing onto a beach of a South Pacific island where all the poors are smiling because they have access to clean bottled water. 

-His hair? It's not vanity. Far from it. Southern women say they tease their hair so high to get them closer to god. JEF's hair is like that because God wants to get closer to JEF. 

Seeing the two-dimensional JEF felt like being wrapped in a Utah sunset, so being with JEF in person must feel like... I'm blushing. If Emily underestimates JEF...

JEF

6. Not sure that anyone has ever brought less to the table than Jean-Paul.

5. Who is Jean-Paul?

4. Sean came out of the limo first, which is a guarantee of top-4 status.  The producers don't do this by accident.  What, did you think they were going to have Stevie come out first?

3. Speaking of not by accident, Doug put all his cards on the table early and often.  He gave Emily the Cliff's Notes version of his life story during their introduction which we can sum up as "I have a son, please pick me."  Then to prove that his son is real, Doug later presented Emily with a letter written by his son to Emily.

Innovative move. We respect that.

This inspired Artistry to ask his son Little Artistry to draft his own "Dear Emily" letter to a future Bachelorette should Artistry ever find himself coming out of the limousine looking for love.

Dear Emily, 

My daddy and I like to play trains. We go swimming on Sunday and then grab a bagel. Sometimes I want to talk to my daddy in the morning. Early in the morning. He says you should be thrilled Little Ricki is asleep by 7:30. I don't trust the guy with the ostrich egg. Right now I am completely naked except for my Pirates hat and red socks. 

Goodbye, 

Little Artistry 

P.S. Daddy, why is Chris Harrison looking at her like that?

2. Though everyone is way too sober, drama still erupts back at the mansion between Stevie and Kalon.  Here's some unsolicited advice to future Bachelorette contestants.  First, don't be named Stevie or Kalon.  Second, if you ever find yourself complaining that one of the other guys is not sufficiently into the Bachelorette, you are not there for the right reasons.  WHY IS THAT A BAD THING?  If there was a girl at a party who you were trying to sleep with (which is EXACTLY what this show is about), would you complain that other guys at the party were not expressing enough interest in sleeping with her?  Does that make any sense?

Come on, Stevie.  You're better than that.

1. It's clear that there are some frontrunners already emerging.  But there's one guy who is recently out of a multi-year relationship who might be ready to make a transition to a new love.  And if anyone knows how to make a segue, it's this guy...

BONUS: This woman saw Jesus on the Bachelor last night.  It's pretty obvious, I think.