Big Ben's Barracks: Ben crashes Kordell Stewart's retirement party

By Artistry

Former Steelers quarterback Kordell Stewart formally retired Wednesday, bringing closure to a saga that pretty much everyone thought ended like 10 years ago.

Who, exactly, was demanding this?

During the retirement press conference, Stewart spoke of how he hopes current QB Ben Roethlisberger will learn to embrace new offensive coordinator Todd Haley.

“I think once they find a rhythm amongst each other," noted Slash, "I think things will be a little bit smoother."

Finding a rhythm amongst each other.

Stewart, his wife, and his son then took a walk to the cafeteria, where they sat down to reflect, share a meal, and enjoy a quiet moment together.  Then Ben Roethlisberger appeared.  A GTOG source happened to be in the vicinity and filed this verbatim transcript of the ensuing conversation.

Sit down with Ben and Kordell, after the jump...

Ben: You all mind if I sit down? Scootch over.

Kordell: Hello, Ben.

Ben:  Hello, Slash.  I just wanted to come by and tell you I admire what you did. It's not easy to admit defeat.

Kordell: What are you talking about?

Ben: You were not going to unseat me, you recognized that, and you stepped down. You did it with grace, and you did it with honor, and I wanted you to know face to face that I appreciate that.

Inferior Commander of Men

Kordell: Uh, thanks. But I haven't played football in many years. I really wasn't competing with you at all. This was really a retirement only in a symbolic sense.

Ben: You know, we are sitting here, you and I, like a couple of regular fellas. You do what you do, and I do what I gotta do. And now that we've been face to face, if we're out there and I gotta put you away, I won't like it.

Kordell: Are you quoting Pacino in "Heat"? What does that even mean? No disrespect, but I'm just trying to have a sandwich with my family.

Ben: You're a worthy adversary.

Kordell: We are not adversaries. We have nothing to do with each other.

Ignored orders from the same General

Ben: I heard what you said at the podium about me and Coach Haley.  Are you a better fit for his system?  Maybe.  Are we going to be running the ball more?  Probably.  Would he prefer you as the starter?  I imagine so.  But you just retired, didn't you?  Yes, you did.  I need you to stop undermining me and my men.

Kordell:  Easy, dude. No one is undermining anyone here. We're getting on a plane tonight and heading home to Atlanta, OK? We'll be out of your hair.

Ben:  We'll be running the ball more, so you got what you came for. Is that it? Now you're happy?

Kordell:  What are you talking about?

Ben:  You and the fans are getting your wish.  Congratulations.

Kordell:  I think we're done here.

Ben:  Oh, we're done all right.  But know this:  I'm going to play the only way I know how. If I have to draw up a play in the sand and scramble to find the open guy because I don't understand the playbook, that's what I'm going to do.

Kordell:  Knock yourself out.

Ben:  Maybe I will.

Kordell:  Good.

Ben:  God is good. God is great.

Kordell:  OK. Good luck.

Ben:  It's not luck.

Kordell:  Check please.

Ben:  You're always welcome here.  But remember...

Kordell:  I know. If I get in your way, you'll put me down.

Ben: I will not hesitate. Not even for a second. Have a safe flight.

Dog suggested Ben get rid of ball quicker; Dog put down by Ben.