Bachelorette Episode 5 Recap: Sweet Relief

By Artistry

It was a hectic week at GTOG headquarters.  We watched the Bachelorette, but we didn't do a podcast.  We didn't do a recap.  This was a big mistake.  Now we have no outlet for all of the Bachelorette stimuli darting to and fro inside our heads and all of the emotion swirling in our hearts.  It's kind of like we drank gallons of water on Monday but never relieved ourselves, and now here we are about to do it again and WE CAN'T PEE UNTIL LATE MONDAY NIGHT.  We need to get this out.

"Where's my mother f***ing recap?!?!?"

Emily says guys like Sean are usually really boring but Sean's not boring, come on, let's face it, Sean standing up in the middle of a bunch of British people talking about great and eternal love feels like someone slowly draining the world's entire reservoir of charisma, by the way, Emily, you can run along, Kalon needs to practice his Shakespeare in the park routine, the group date has officially become the least anticipated 35 minutes on television, Doug "doesn't want to sound like an idiot, especially in front of an audience," think about that for a second, by the way, there is nothing funnier to people in the Bachelor franchise than men in drag, it is just such a riot, oh man is that funny, hey, there's Ryan giving Emily a necklace and a wink, you just about have this one wrapped up big guy, Doug is FURIOUS because if you dare call Little Ricki "baggage" that's basically akin to calling Austin "baggage" and YOU DON'T CALL DOUG'S SON BAGGAGE, Ryan comes through with "I'm here for the right reasons" - he's really hitting his marks - but everybody is scrambling to address this baggage issue, oh here we go JEF,  here's your chance big guy, oh no, you just said you want to have a dance party with Ricki and sing into combs and brushes, YOUR COVER IS TOTALLY BLOWN, but wait, Emily loves this idea, possibly reasoning that this would be a completely hetero thing to do if executed properly, "That was Raw Emotion the other night," Ari observes (BOOM), Ryan, that's some kind of black scarf you have around your neck you really pull that off buddy, incidentally, does Little Ricki have a little Kid Rock thing going on? Emily really just want to know these guys are going to protect her and make her feel safe, ok everybody, make sure you're sitting down for this one, because Alejandro is going back to his mushroom farm, and judging by their reaction and everything we know about everything, these guys have never even heard of Croatia.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Oh, Finesse, you want to go too?

Emily loves London because it's old, this is great news for Doug, both in that he's old and that if the Germans started firebombing the city he's there to protect it, it's the perfect place to fall in love so suck on that Fiji, Turtle Island, Panama, the Bahamas, Charlotte, Brazil, Belize, Thailand, and Hawaii, JEF is determined to step it up this week, this bodes well for photoshopping, Kalon is frustrated because he doesn't have control, Emily can't get over how pretty everything is in London because London is like life it's either pretty or ugly, good or bad, God or the Devil, there are no ambiguities in life (apologies to JEF), Sean hedges and says, "it's safe to say that I'm falling for this girl," come on dude get the walls down, Emily finds it very sexy when Sean talks about how much his parents love each other, incidentally, this weekend I'll be asking the girl at the bar, "do you want to come back to my place and talk about how much my parents love each other?," Sean you're a goober, Doug sees that Emily is sick on the group date and says, "Aw, you're sick you poor thing" as if he would have said anything else, Arie says that when he's sick he wants humor around him and to laugh about it which makes him the first person ever to want that when he's sick, Ryan gives Emily a necklace by saying, "isn't that nice?," Chris reveals that Kalon called Little Ricki baggage, WHY IS THIS NOT ON CAMERA ABC? IF YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE FOOTAGE OF SOMETHING, LOSE FOOTAGE OF ASHLEY'S SEASON, NOT THIS, calling Little Ricki baggage is like calling Austin baggage, holy shit Artistry I think Kalon just called your kids baggage, you should go kill him right now, also fly Southwest if you can because first two bags are free, Kalon says, "I always dreamed that my first child would be my own," and Kalon's first child says, "I always dreamed that my real daddy wasn't Kalon," don't worry JEF and his elbow pads to the rescue, the words "Chloe handbag" come out of JEF's mouth, Arie and the rest of the guys are determined to over-apologize for the Kalon thing, Kalon says he said it, meant it, and it was taken out of context, Wolf tells Emily that he will always tell her the truth, Emily tells Arie that she doesn't need a man to stand up for her during her rampage to find a man who will stand up for her, Sean also says that he will never lie to Emily which means that when Emily first sleeps over at Sean's place and he disappears downstairs for 15 minutes in the morning and she asks "what were you doing?" he will have to say "taking a dump" not "making coffee" or "checking something," can't believe we have to say goodbye to Alejandro, we never even got to say hello.

Ahhhh.  Much better.

We'll be back with a full recap this week, although the podcast may have to wait until Wednesday night.  Best way to follow the goings-on of GTOG is to follow us on Twitter.  Follow Finesse and Artistry.

Thanks for reading.