Showing posts with label Bachelor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bachelor. Show all posts

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Grind those bitches down; Pens pulverize Panthers, 3-1

By Artistry

There was not much to recommend tonight's Penguins game against the Florida Panthers. It was about as meaningless as it gets. Finesse barely paid attention, admittedly took a shower during the third period of a one-goal game, and is probably now at some hip bar wearing a nice, casual button-down shirt. Why am I bothering with this recap? Because I am married with children and lying in bed while my wife watches "I Want to Marry Ryan Banks" on the Hallmark channel.* You are the first star of our night, Jason Priestley. The second star?


- There can be no doubt at this point about what the acquisition of Brenden Morrow means to the Penguins. 2 goals, 1 assist, 4 penalty minutes, 3 hits, and 17 intense and unblinking stares in less than 15 minutes of ice time is a stat line that doesn't even do justice to what I expect will be a legend that may outshine Gary Roberts' by the time summer comes. This was less a hockey game than a body checking clinic by the Pens, and it's no stretch to say Morrow is now setting the tone for this team in Sidney Crosby's absence.

- Evgeni Malkin has a shoulder. Evgeni Malkin has a sunburn. Neither one of these statements is at all surprising.


- Beau Bennett looked fantastic playing his 4th line minutes tonight. What a weapon to have buried so deep in the lineup.

* OK, it was my idea. Jason Priestley stars as a reality-show Bachelor who believes his wife may be "in this room." But his special someone falls for Priestley's agent, played by Bradley Cooper. If you are reading this blog, don't try to tell me you're not on board with this.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: The Bachelor Finale Recap

The culmination of the most emotional of journeys. We recap the finale of Sean's season on this week's Raw Emotion Podcast. A must-listen.

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Monday, February 25, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: The Bachelor Fantasy Suite Recap

Recapping Sean's Fantasy Suite experience with Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee and asking the tough question: Can walls come too far down?

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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bachelor Hometown Recap: The Blessing Withheld

Check out this week's full length written recap of Hometowns over at our new Bachelor Site -- The Big Kibitz.  You can find the recap here.

And don't forget to listen to the podcast below.

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This is what the Man who holds The Blessing should look like. 

Monday, February 18, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: Bachelor Hometowns Recap

It’s our favorite week of the Bachelor season — Hometowns, where the fathers are mustacheoed and The Blessing is on the line. We discuss each Hometown date and the enormous ramifications of Sean’s decision to send Des home. It’s the Raw Emotion Podcast.

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This is what the Man who holds The Blessing should look like. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: Episode 7 Recap

[Make sure to check out TheBigKibitz.com, our new home for Bachelor stuff]

After such an emotional episode, it’s time to let it all out on this week’s Raw Emotion Podcast and set the stage for Hometowns.

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And as we discuss on the podcast, Tierra really cannot control her eyebrow, as she made clear to AshLee. It’s called Congenital Eyebrow Disease, and it’s debilitating.










Bachelor Episode 7 Preview: Three Things You Should Have Already Known

Head over to The Big Kibitz to get ready for tonight's Bachelor episode.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: Next Crews Get Ready for the Cross-Cut!

Click here to go to our new Bachelor site, TheBigKibitz.com, and listen to this week's podcast recapping the two night Bachelor Event.


Monday, February 4, 2013

Doubling Down on the Raw Emotion Podcast ... TUESDAY NIGHT

For all Bachelor material, visit www.TheBigKibitz.com.

As we’ve discussed on our Raw Emotion Podcasts, this year of The Bachelor has been all about doubling down on the formula because, after all, the formula works. So that’s why ABC decided to double down on The Bachelor this week with not two but FOUR HOURS of Bacheloring. Who exactly was demanding this?

Our Raw Emotion Podcast is going down Tuesday night and will include new Big Kibitz theme music. It’s going to be huge.

In the meantime, download our Bachelor Viewing Guide. It will be the second best decision you ever make. The best will be downloading it, then telling a friend to download it. It’s free, and you will like it.

Hearing good things about internet cats.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: Bachelor Episode 4 Recap

Before you listen to the podcast, make sure to download The Official Get To Our Game Bachelor Viewing Guide. Whenever we describe a move on The Bachelor or Bachelorette as textbook, THIS IS THE TEXTBOOK.  Quick note -- we are circulating the Guide through both GTOG and our spin-off entertainment site, TheBigKibitz.com. Moving forward, that will be the best way to read all entertainment-related posts. Here’s how to download: 

If you have an iPad: While on your iPad, click here. That will take you to the Guide’s page in the iBook Store. The Guide is free. You can also just search for "Get To Our Game" in the iBooks Store. 

If you don’t have an iPad: You can still capture about 99% of the wisdom by reading the book as a PDF. You can read it by clicking here: GTOG Official Bachelor Viewing Guide PDF.


Now the podcast.  It's Episode 4 and that means feelings are getting real, and emotions are getting raw.

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Saturday, January 26, 2013

DOWNLOAD NOW: The Official Get To Our Game Bachelor Viewing Guide

We’ve been talking about it for 3 weeks, and it’s finally ready: The Official Get To Our Game Bachelor Viewing Guide. Whenever we describe a move on The Bachelor or Bachelorette as textbook, THIS IS THE TEXTBOOK.

Quick note -- we are circulating the Guide through both GTOG and our spin-off entertainment site, TheBigKibitz.com.  Moving forward, that will be the best way to read all entertainment-related posts.

Here’s how to download:

If you have an iPad: While on your iPad, click here. That will take you to the Guide’s page in the iBook Store. The Guide is free. You can also just search for "Get To Our Game" in the iBooks Store.

If you don’t have an iPad: Unfortunately, if you don’t have an iPad you won’t get the full functionality of the book (videos, slideshows, etc), BUT you can still capture about 99% of the wisdom by reading the book as a PDF. You can read it by clicking here: GTOG Official Bachelor Viewing Guide PDF


[Special thanks to Evan from TV My Wife Watches for writing the Foreword and @lindsapple for editing help]

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Bachelor Raw Emotion Podcast: A big announcement, plus the episode 3 recap

By Finesse

The thing about raw emotion is that it is always raw, even if it is two days late.  Due to traveling and the start of NHL season, we were a couple days late with this week's Bachelor podcast (to say nothing of not having anything last week).

On the podcast we introduce the GTOG spinoff site where we will be housing all of our future entertainment content, including our Bachelor and Bachelorette posts and podcasts.  Here's a hint: you can find it at www.TheBigKibitz.com.  Much more to come on this in the next few days.

The podcast is below, but since we are a few days late, I thought we'd include a quick recap of the episode, segment by segment.  Click here to subscribe on iTunes.

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RECAP

Teaser

The teaser opens with Sean on a roller coaster, so you have to assume one of these women is afraid of heights and/or had a brother die on a ferris wheel.  We also see shots of him doing pec flys without his shirt on, his sweaty back pressed up against the machine.  I once worked out topless at my aunt's condo in Siesta Key and sweated so much over every piece of equipment that they probably called an emergency condo board meeting to fine my aunt.  We also see that an ambulance is involved, a woman is on a stretcher, and the other women are praying for her.


1 on 1 with Leslie M.

There are going to be three dates tonight -- one group date and two 1-on-1s.  In other words, it's a huge week.  Chris Harrison advises the ladies to use their time wisely.  The first date card is for Leslie M., the D.C. based political consultant, and asks, "How long will this love last?"  Leslie M. wants to "take their relationship to the next level" because "this is what she's been waiting for."  She may need to dream bigger. Sean takes her to the Guinness World Record Museum on Hollywood Blvd. because "she's fun to interact with."  We learn that Sean's dad owns the Guinness world record for "Shortest Amount of Time Driving the Contiguous 48 States" which is the natural byproduct of his other world record, "Having the Least Amount of Things to Do."  If Sean's dad can't be dead (which is Sean's only mistake so far this season) he might as well be into trivial nothingness.  Can't wait 'til hometowns.

To set the world record for kiss length, Sean and Leslie M. kiss for 3 minutes and 16 seconds, during which Leslie M. calls Hollywood Blvd. "one of the craziest places in America."  Does anyone know what this means?  During the kiss, Sean gets in like 15 hand-ass brushes, and Leslie M. says this is the best day of her life.  GTOG thinks she is a contender: pretty blonde girls in D.C. who work in politics are usually religious and almost exclusively Republican.  There's an 80% chance she's slept with Tom DeLay and a 30% chance she's related to him.  This is Sean's wheelhouse.  They cap off their date by complimenting how uncomfortable they make each other.  Leslie M. tells Sean that he makes her so nervous and he responds, "I'm glad I make you nervous because you made me feel very uncomfortable coming out of the limo."  A Rose for Leslie M....

....with a side of herpes?
Group Date

"Who is going to win my heart?" asks the date card.  "Who cares?" asks America.  Taryn is part of the group date which depresses me because I find her repugnant to the journey.  She is the health club manager who wept during the opening cocktail party for no reason at all, something that should have brought her, and whatever gym she manages, great shame.  I despise this woman.  I have a hard time watching this show objectively because of it.  I also know this is an enormous overreaction on my part.

Sean does pushups with someone on his back while everyone frolics and throws a football around.  Chris Harrison shows up at beach wearing long brown pants, reminding America that (to the best of my recollection) we've never seen his bare legs.  Chris Harrison's legs are the new Robin Quivers' breasts.  A cutthroat 6-on-6 volleyball game is set up so the winning team gets more time with Sean.  Daniella calls it, "literally my worst nightmare."  Taryn is shown on the screen again, and I simply write in my notes, "Karyn again. Really can't stand this woman." (Note: I thought Taryn's name was Karyn for the whole episode).  I'm rooting for the team Taryn isn't on, and a tsunami.  Thankfully Taryn's team loses.  Sean says he wanted to spend quality time with them, but he's also happy to spend quality time with the winning six.  This is a meaningless thought.  It is revealed that Daniela is wearing a wrap around the bottom of her bathing suit, something someone once told me is a warning sign.  At least four of the six losing girls are weeping, indicating they are all crazy or their cycles synced up quicker than usual.  Or both.

On the winning date, Lindsay the substitute teacher makes out with Sean and asks, "what more can I ask?"  She'll hang around for a while but is unremarkable.  Desiree, the current favorite, gets more time with Sean and displays eye contact far superior to Leslie M. Sean tells someone I don't know that there is a lot he doesn't know about her.  Join the club.

Desiree doesn't think Amanda is right for Sean and seems determined to make a fuss about it.  This would be disappointing to us if Desiree's complaint was that Amanda wasn't there for the right reasons, but note the subtle difference between "not here for the right reasons" and "not right for him" -- Amanda may be there for the right reasons, but still not be right for Sean.  Desiree clearly knows what she's doing.  Her biggest obstacle now is overconfidence.

Kacie B., whose occupation is listed as "Ben's season," decides that she needs to tell Sean something about Desiree and Amanda.  What?  No idea.  Why?  Your guess is as good as ours. Kacie B. tells Sean that she doesn't feel like it is her place to be telling him this, but that this has put her between a rock and a hard place.  Sean asks her why she is telling him this.  (Still no idea what "this" is).  She says she doesn't know why she's telling him this.  She says she doesn't want to be the person who tells him this, but at the same time she is stuck in the middle so she has to tell him this.  (Still no clue what she has told him).  Kacie B. says she's not a drama person and she's having a hard time being herself because of this.  She says this hurts her because she doesn't want to hurt either of them.  ("This" is still elusive).  Sean asks her why she is involving herself in that.  (No idea what "that" is, or if "this" and "that" are the same thing).  Kacie says she's asked herself that and that she doesn't want Sean to think that he is not her focus.  "Is this going to be something that bothers you?" she asks.  Sean says he just wants her to be Kacie B., not the crazy person she's being.  Kacie says her plan may not be working.  YOU THINK?!?!


AshLee's 1-on-1

AshLee, the 32-year-old with the formidable body, is a "personal organizer."  This means she spends her days organizing her personal life, not organizing someone else's life.  Right before AshLee's 1-on-1, Tierra falls down the steps and hits her head.  Cameras don't catch the fall, but the sound guy earned his bonus by adding what sounded like a sonic boom sound effect to indicate that someone fell.  Hysteria ensues in the house while the girls and Sean are praying that Tierra is OK.  An ambulance is called and Tierra is put on a stretcher.  As soon as she realized that leaving the house is the end of her attention, she pops up from the stretcher like Rod Tidwell in Jerry McGuire.





During the date they go to Six Flags with two young girls with disabilities.  It's a nice moment.  AshLee praises Sean's integrity. Reality Steve texts the two disabled girls for information then writes a 14,000 word post to the "haters."

AshLee goes to the Scale of Horrible Things early and reveals that she is adopted and was abused at the foster home.  She makes a point of telling Sean that it wasn't sexual abuse.  Sean's favorite band, The Eli Young Band, plays while they dance.  What are the chances that Sean's favorite band wouldn't be an emo country band?  Sean sees no problem with AshLee being adopted.  AshLee cries about  "immersing herself into the possibility of loving this man for the rest of her life." I weep when I watch Mario Lemieux's breakaway goal against the Flyers in the '97 playoffs.

Cocktail Party

Classic cocktail party this week: not everyone got time with Sean, so they all need to get time with Sean.  Sean takes Sarah out to the driveway to surprise her with her dog.  This makes Sarah, the girl with one arm, feel special.  Tierra tells Sean that she is embarrassed that she fell; Sean asks Tierra if she "trusts it."  Again with the vague pronouns.  Desiree steals Sean from Tierra but then Tierra steals him back.  It's a real back-and-forth cocktail party.  Other women are stunned that Tierra is getting a second conversation with Sean.  Is this in the rules?  Is this even allowed?  Desiree tears up about having to play "the game" -- you know, The Bachelor game -- on The Bachelor.  Kacie B. gets interrupted while she apologizes to Sean and is left thinking, "I can only pray that everything works out."  Sean, meanwhile, is praying that he will be led in the right direction by his heart.  Dueling prayers.  Let's see what God decides...

DOWN GOES KACIE B.!

God's plan is that Kacie B. and Sean are better off as friends, as Sean dismisses her before the Rose Ceremony.  She says she leaves with no regrets.  Maybe because she used them all up during her last comeback?


Rose Ceremony

Drama is manufactured as Sean saves Desiree for the last rose.  He calls her "Des" which is a clear signal to the rest of the ladies that this woman is for real.  The other losers are Kristy the model and Taryn.  YESSSSS!!!!! GOOOOO HOMMMMEEEEEE TARYN!!!!! ENOUGH OF THIS WOMAN ON TV.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Top 10 Things My Mother-in-Law Said During The Bachelor

By Artistry

Here, with no context whatsoever, are the top 10, OK, the only 10 things my mother-in-law said during Episode 3 of The Bachelor:

10. "Look where they put these people."

9. "Political consultant: what does that mean?"

8. "Where are they? They're in California? No. Where are they?"

7. "What do you think about Harrison getting a divorce?"

6. "So what's a political consultant?"

This is a political consultant.
5. "That's right. It's amazing."

4. "Not a bad body. He's in good proportion."

3. "Nah. There's nothing between these two."

2. "That's why she wasn't picked the first time. Oh, you idiot. You lost it kiddo."

And the number one thing my mother-in-law said during Episode 3 of The Bachelor is:

1. "I don't understand. You recorded it? You don't have to watch the commercials? What night is it? What night is it on? You recorded it? OK."

Thank you all for your patience as Finesse gets this whole Japan phase out of his system. We're on track for a Wednesday night Raw Emotion Podcast full of a lot of pent up feelings.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Raw Emotion Podcast: Bachelor Premiere Proves That Nothing Ever Changes

It's a new season of The Bachelor, but it's exactly the same as always.  We kick off the year with a new Raw Emotion Podcast, breaking down our feelings after an emotional premiere, a guest appearance from Mrs. Artistry, and some predictions.

And don't forget: Our exclusive Bachelor Guide will be available through the iBooks store soon.

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COMING VERY SOON: The Official GTOG Bachelor(ette) Viewing Guide

By GTOG Staff

As you strap yourselves in for Season 17 of the Bachelor (premiering tonight on ABC at 8/7c), you may be a touch concerned that you won't be able to stomach a lengthy stretch of two hour visits with Sean, maybe the most generic Bachelor since Brad. Wait, that was only two seasons ago. In any event, put your worries aside. There's one thing that's about to become clear: you'll never watch this show in the same way again.

THREE black ladies?
We created an iBook previewing this season, and really every other season, that is finished and loaded into iTunes.  It's just not available yet as of 4:27pm.  Apparently the Apple people are confirming its authenticity or something, which is strange because GTOG is the most trusted name in the blogging business.  Anyway, here's the cover:



It's pretty cool.  This is what our announcement was going to be because we assumed it would be ready by now:
Ladies and Gentleman, we present to you the Official GTOG Bachelor(ette) Viewing Guide, which you can download here on iTunes. From the introductory cocktail party tonight right through to moment Sean breaks up with Brook, the 25-year-old community organizer from Pittsburgh, in June, you will learn to study, rely on, and possibly sleep with this book. We're not asking for thanks, and we're not asking for money. Just be true to your Journey.
We will post/tweet/etc as soon as it's ready.  GTOG Everybody.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

GTOG EXCLUSIVE: JEF Holm's sudden departure deals serious blow to Green Beans' title hopes

By Finesse

CHARLOTTE -- When the Green Beans took the field last month for the first time since the highly publicized split between former Bachelorette star Emily Maynard and her beau JEF Holm, things immediately felt different.

"I don't know," midfielder Maddy Ross, 7, of Quail Hollow told GTOG in an exclusive interview.  "Usually JEF makes me drink water.  There was no water this time."

Indeed, it will be a very thirsty playoffs for the Charlotte-area girls soccer team.  After JEF and Emily found their Forever during the spring season of ABC's The Bachelorette, Holm moved from his compound in Utah to live with Emily and her daughter Little Ricki, 7, the reigning Participation Award winning defender for the Green Beans, in Charlotte.  And when Brooke's Dad was caught texting pictures of his genitalia to his wife's yoga instructor, a coaching opportunity on Ricki's team opened up.  JEF eagerly volunteered.


"This is just like, you know, like something I just really felt, like, strongly about," Holm said in June.  "Little Ricki is just, like, magic.  And magic is, like, one of my favorite things.  My two favorite things to watch are probably magic and Little Ricki playing soccer."


But as the Green Beans head into the playoffs this weekend without Holm coaching the defense, there is serious concern among the parents that the team can continue its recent success.  "To be honest, I don't know or actually care how it will affect the team," Holly Wellington, mother of midfielder Kara, told GTOG.  "It's little girls soccer for Christ's sake.  But I know that JEF promised to return the jeans he borrowed from me at the game on Saturday and I have no idea whether he will show up.  They were Sevens, too."

JEF in Holly's Tory Burch blouse.
A Rocky Start

With the inexperienced Holm coaching the defense, the Green Beans got off to a rocky start, dropping their first game 4-0 to the Pumpkins, followed by an 8-1 humiliation at the hands of the Juice Boxes.  Holm was widely criticized by many parents for spending the first half-hour of every practice lecturing his defenders about why poor people need bottled water.  He was even called out by Randy, the usually mild-mannered head coach of  the Green Beans, who lamented, "It's difficult to coach when your assistant keeps walking onto the field in the middle of the games to show the kids dandelions."


Things turned around for Holm after the Green Beans' third game, a 3-2 loss to the Jelly Beans in the annual Bean Bowl.  The Green Beans' star defender, Lilly, was called for a foul with less than a minute remaining in a tie game, leading to the winning penalty kick for the Jelly Beans.  After Lilly stormed off the field screaming "I hate you! I hate you!," Holm openly questioned whether Lilly was "here for the right reasons."  His willingness to call out his star player resonated with the rest of the squad in a 4-1 drubbing of the Lollipops on the 4th of July.

Climbing the Mountain

The Green Beans stayed hot after their win over the Lollipops, winning their next four games by a combined score of 16-2 despite often playing without several players who were hospitalized for over-hydration.  "He's always so enthusiastic, whether it's looking at butterflies, forcing water upon the children, or making sure they're wearing sunscreen," said Kelsey's Step-Dad, Wyatt, shrugging his shoulders.  "I'm not sure he knows what sport he's coaching, or even what soccer is, but the kids are always laughing at him, so what are you gonna do?"


Despite gaining the trust of most of the team, Holm still had trouble connecting with Lilly, who was stung by JEF calling her out publicly. "I think he's a poopy face," Lilly said in early August before being interrupted by her mother screaming, "Lilly! I told you! That's enough poopy talk! Do you hear me? Enough!"  Holm, for his part, never stopped trying to get back into his star player's good graces.  "Lilly is kind of like a diva, but I love divas, so it's, like, I don't know, you know?  I mean, Mariah is a diva.  Whitney was a diva.  And those are two of my heroes, you know?"


Even Emily was impressed with JEF's coaching abilities before their highly publicized split.  "I'm really happy about what JEF is doing for Little Ricki.  I just think it's so great that they spend all day at the park together and don't need me to be here," Emily told GTOG in July shortly after she had dropped off Little Ricki and JEF four hours prior to the start of practice.  Emily, who has been criticized for not attending any of Little Ricki's games this season, also had a message for her critics. "To those criticizing me for not going to Ricki's games, you don't understand.  I have a full-time job: it's called being a mom," she said as she climbed into her Suburban.


Just as the Green Beans were rounding into form, however, rumors started swirling in the tabloids that JEF discovered scandalous text messages with another man on Emily's phone.  Tension was palpable at Green Beans practices, where fathers tried to console Holm while simultaneously trying to discover whether JEF and Emily were in an open relationship.  "I asked him if this was like a thing they were into and if maybe I could get involved," said Joe, Sandy's older brother.  "I don't know, I thought it was worth asking."

A Team Without a Leader

The Green Beans enter this week's playoff game against the Hush Puppies as heavy favorites, despite both teams (and, in fact, every team in the league) having identical 0-0-11 records.  "We feel that it's important to avoid having winners and losers," said league Commissioner Rod Stout. "We want our kids to come away understanding that everything in life is a tie.  The Green Beans are a fantastic team.  But so are the Hush Puppies.  Everyone is fantastic."

Without Holm patrolling the sidelines and coordinating the disposal of all carbonated beverages, the Hush Puppies will look to exploit holes in the Green Beans' defense that have only recently been shored up.  Hush Puppy forward Brittany Lomax, the league's leading scorer, should be able to use her intimidating style to slice through what she hopes is a terrified defense.

Brittany Lomax
"JEF spent weeks convincing our team that everyone was beautiful, even Brittany Lomax," Coach Randy said.  "Personally, I'm horrified by Brittany and if her parents let her off her medication I will not hesitate to pull my girls of the field."  Several parents from other teams have refused to let their kids play against Lomax, and some have even been brought to tears by the thought of it.


Looking Ahead

While Holm's plans for the future are murky, he knows that girls youth soccer will play a big part in his life going forward.  "Since the first time I laid eyes on Ricki, gawking at her like she was a zoo animal, I've been dedicated to her.  One-hundred percent devoted.  I will support her in whatever she does, whether her mommy wants me there or not.  If she wants to play youth soccer, I will be there for her.  If she doesn't want to play youth soccer, I will play for her."


The future of the Green Beans is less certain.  Coach Randy said his focus now is on getting his players prepared for the playoffs.  "Whether we tie or tie isn't what matters," he said.  "What's important is that the kids take the lessons JEF taught them, such as wearing androgynous pants, and forget them immediately.  We've got soccer to play."  Coach Randy said he has not started looking for a new defensive assistant, although the guy who hangs out at the park but doesn't have kids has expressed an interest.

Little Ricki, who declined to be interviewed for this story, released a statement through her agent.  "My mom dropped me off at the field six hours ago.  I really need a ride home."

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Emily and JEF from The Bachelorette have broken up; How do we heal?

By Finesse

Shocking news yesterday that JEF and Emily have decided to end their relationship.  [We predicted they would last for 60 sunsets].  They each released statements that checked all the boxes: they tried, it didn't work, it was an incredible journey, they want privacy, they still love each other's families, Emily didn't sleep with Matt Leinart, or maybe she did, they need time to heal, and something about Little Ricki being cherished.  The only reason it didn't work, they both said, is that they were simply at different points in their lives.


Like so many of you, we at GTOG grieved the only way we know how: IMing each other.
Finesse: I assume you've already heard the news
Artistry: I read about it when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night. It kept me up another 2 hours
Finesse: How did it make you feel?
Artistry: They are just at different points in their lives? No, they aren't. They were both at a point where they thought it would be a good idea to find love on the Bachelorette. Why can't that be good enough?
Finesse: They were at the exact same point in their lives. They may even have the same birthday.
Artistry: What a hilarious thing the Bachelor universe has evolved into. Everyone breaks up and dates other people in the Bachelor universe. Does no one else understand them?
Finesse: They want to be on TV and have sex with each other.
Artistry: We should do a podcast soon 
Indeed, with so many unanswered questions still lingering, we will be doing a podcast soon.  Until then, we mourn the loss of one great celebrity family...

EF
...and celebrate the promise of another.

ME



Thursday, September 27, 2012

Emily Cheats on JEF With Matt Leinart; America Has a New Sweetheart

By Finesse

The rumblings started last month.  Today, the bomb exploded.

According to US Weekly, Emily Maynard of The Bachelorette has been cheating on JEF, the man she picked to play dress-up and sing karaoke with her daughter Little Ricki.  And not just with some random fellow from her church.  Nope.  She's been cheating on JEF with Matt Leinart, the former USC quarterback and current backup QB for the Oakland Raiders.


Emily, all we can say to you is: HOW DARE YOU.  You endured the greatest of all heartbreaks when Brad, the saloon owner with bad temper and 7th-grade reading level, dumped you and told a local TV station in Texas that he "dodged a bullet" (implying, obviously, that you're a psycho).  And now with your second chance at The Fairy Tale, you select a 5'6" hipster Mormon with an affinity for kids' toys, only to go behind his back and sleep with a quarterback?  You were America's Sweetheart!  But let me tell you something, Emily.  You are no longer America's Sweetheart.  Because American Sweethearts don't sleep with backup quarterbacks.

They sleep with starters.

Be careful, Kristen.  Heavy lies the head that wears the crown.

[For our full coverage of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, make sure to check out our Bachelor Page and, of course, subscribe to the GTOG Podcast].