Believe it or not: "No bad news" about Steelers becoming a parody of themselves

By Artistry

Steelers training camp is underway. Day 1 is in the books and there was absolutely no discernible bad news, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette reported on Saturday.

Presumptive starting right tackle Mike Adams looks little the worse for wear after absorbing multiple stab wounds during an attempted carjacking at 3:00 am on the south side, where we're sure he had every reason to be hanging out, because nothing bad ever happens to Steelers on Carson Street at that time of the morning.

"He's got full clearance," said Coach Mike Tomlin, as he checked his mentions on Twitter.

"It should be exciting, me delving into the social media world," Tomlin inexplicably continued. "I figure we spend a lot of time talking to our guys about what to do, I thought it would be appropriate and timely to show them. We'll see if I can do it in a professional manner."

As onlookers immediately checked their smart phones to determine if they had ever managed to tweet in a professional manner, veteran defensive lineman Brett Keisel showed up in a dump truck.

Key

"We're constructing our team," said the hard-hat wearing Keisel, by way of explanation why he, a self-proclaimed team leader in the midst of a precipitous decline, was driving a dump truck.  "Everyone is writing us off, but we feel like we can construct, hopefully a championship team," added the Beard, who, again, was driving a dump truck.

There was also no bad news accompanying the arrival of Maurkice Pouncey, the perpetually overrated center and earnest supporter of former college teammates charged with murder.  Pouncey breezily addressed the media about what he acknowledged was the mistake of suggesting the guy charged with murder should just be freed, you know, without a trial.  Be cool, everybody, suggested Pouncey.

"You know what, man, I understand it was a serious situation," he said. "I apologized if I offended anybody. I'm here to play football; let's move off from that. I know I took a lot of heat for it and I probably should have. I understand what happened, and it's pretty cool now. Let things blow away."

"It's all good, baby."

Also feeling pretty cool right now is wide receiver Antonio Brown, who arrived at camp in a Rolls Royce.

Maybe like the 27th best receiver in football.

The surge of optimism in Latrobe culminated with would-be starting left tackle Marcus Gilbert being carted off the field after barely completing a conditioning test. Still, he passed the test, so no biggie, noted Tomlin, who had become accustomed to former nose tackle Casey Hampton barely breaking into a jog before collapsing. Everything is relative, thought the training staff as they helped Gilbert off the turf.

Yes, all is well in Steeler nation. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger did not participate in the workout with his teammates because of lingering discomfort in his surgically repaired knee, but that is "a personal issue for him" and no issue for the team, because why would it be, Tomlin explained.

The fans can barely contain their excitement.

"These guys are ridiculous," I said to myself after reading today's paper and digesting all of these actual, honest-to-goodness quotes. "I've got fantasy football to keep me engaged, and it takes my mind off the fact that it's now emotionally safer and more fun to mock the Steelers than it is to blindly invest in their success. Can't wait to get started."

Steelers NFL Draft Preview: Many Needs, One Name

By Artistry (follow me on Twitter)

You don't win Super Bowls by drafting guys who you're willing to put in the lineup only if James Harrison signs with the Bengals. You win Super Bowls by drafting guys who are among the best in the league at their position, guys who you know will give you a match-up advantage in at least one discrete facet of the game. Foundational pieces. But hey, let's not set the bar too high. Let's just shoot for above-average pieces. The jury is still out on David DeCastro and Mike Adams. Otherwise, by my count, the Steelers have drafted and retained only two players who come close to meeting that description in the last five years: Maurkice Pouncey and Antonio Brown.

Would put team on back, but can't put pressure on left ankle.

Considering Maurkice Pouncey is injury-prone and overrated and we have no clue yet if AB is a legitimate No. 1 receiver, you know what? That's pretty terrible!

So what will the Steelers do in Round 1 of tonight's NFL draft? It's obvious. Read on...


There are three essential criteria to consider in handicapping any Steelers draft.

1. Team needs

This is easy: OLB, ILB, CB, S, RB, WR, and probably TE. Maybe a backup QB. How many rounds is this draft?

2. Best Available Player

But forget the first criteria! Remember, the Steelers have a longstanding tradition of taking "the best player available regardless of position" in Round 1. They always do this, with very few exceptions (such as Greg Hawthorne, Mark Malone, Keith Gary, Walter Abercrombie, Gabe Rivera, Daryl Sims, John Rienstra, Aaron Jones, Tim Worley, Huey Richardson, Deon Figures, Charles Johnson, Jamain Stephens, Chad Scott, and Troy Edwards).

3. Best Available Name

This is an area where the Steelers really need to get back to the fundamentals. You can't draft a guy named Bruce Davis and expect him to step right in and contribute. Rod Woodson sounds like a Hall of Famer. Louis Lipps sounds like he will catch 15 touchdown passes in a single season. Brett Keisel sounds like he will grow a beard and show up for practice in a tractor.

With all of this in mind, let's look at who may be available when the Steelers pick at No. 17:

- Tyler Eifert, TE (Notre Dame). Best tight end in the draft, and Big Money Heath Miller, one of the great Steeler No. 1 picks is down indefinitely. But all things being equal, bigger needs and better names elsewhere.

- Jarvis Jones, OLB (Georgia). What a need, and what a name! This is a fit. But odds are he's gone to the Saints at No. 15.

- Kenny Vaccaro, S (Texas). This is a reach I believe, based on nothing. The name isn't enough to make it worth our while.

- Eddie Lacy, RB (Alabama). Steelers-type back, but if Walter Abercrombie, Tim Worley, and Rashard Mendenhall have taught us anything, it's don't bet big on RBs in round 1. Not unless you're dealing with the cream of the crop. Lacy isn't that.

- Cordarelle Patterson, WR (Tennessee). Great "measurables." Big need. And really, could you have a better name? It's like "Kordell," interrupted. Like Darelle with an extra jolt. Like Corduroy with sex appeal. And tell me you don't want to hear Ben talk about Cordarelle. The reclamation of Steelers draft glory begins here.

Click of the Day: Namaste, Rashard Mendenhall

Rashard Mendenhall cares not for material possessions. Rashard Mendenhall encourages you to let go. We encourage Rashard Mendenhall to hold on. Hold on, Rashard Mendenhall, to the f---ing ball.

Big Ben's Barracks: Ben will not leave Emanuel Sanders behind

By Artistry

[Int. Kevin Colbert's office]

Steelers General Manager Colbert sits in his chair, staring at framed picture of Ray Shero.

Colbert: "I know you can't hear me, but Jesus do I need you right now."

The phone rings.

Colbert: "Kevin Colbert."

Big Ben: "KC baby, it's Ben. How you doing? Listen, I want to get out in front of this Emanuel Sanders situation."

Colbert: "I'm not sure what you mean by getting out in front of it."

Big Ben: "There's an offer on the table for Manny to go join Tom, and we have until Monday to match. I want us to go ahead and match that today, not Monday. Get out in front of the situation."

Colbert: "I see. Look, Ben, first of all, I don't know if we'll match. It's a difficult decision. Sanders is a free agent after next season, and this puts us in a position where we have to pay $2.5 million to keep him for the year. Then he likely walks away and we get no compensation. If we let him go now, we get that 3rd round draft choice. In any event, if we match it, then it doesn't matter if we do it today or Monday."

Big Ben: "While I respect you, KC and the Sunshine Band, I could not disagree more. If a soldier is on a boat that gets taken out by a torpedo, and he's still alive and clinging to a mini-glacier like in Titanic, holding on for dear life, do you tell him, oh, just wait until Monday? No. You move heaven and earth to get him out of there.

Colbert: "Ben, I....That's just not a useful analogy at all. We need to look at the big picture here."

Big Ben: "Don't tell me about the big picture. I'm 31 years old. My window isn't staying open forever. If you leave Manny stranded on that little iceberg, who do we even have left at wide receiver besides AB and Cotch?"

Colbert: "Oh, you'll have targets. We've got Kashif Moore on the roster, Derek Moye, Bert Reed....Oh dear God forgive me (starts sobbing).

Big Ben: KC? KC, you all right? The Lord forgives, the Lord forgives. Hey man, go easy. You know what? WE FORGOT PLAX. We forgot Plax.

Don't forget Plax.

Big Ben (con'd): I don't know why that didn't occur to me. It's on me for even raising this issue and making you cry, KC. You know I approve of all the eight-figure contracts you gave to James, Troy, Lamarr, Lawrence, etc. If it means we're a little tight against the cap, that's the cost of doing business with great men.

Colbert: I guess so (sobbing). Thanks for being so generous about it.

Big Ben: Listen, I've got a big heart.

Ben Roethlisberger has advice for Sid, and other news on Crosby's broken jaw

By Finesse

In the Post-Gazette this morning, Sean Hamill gives all Penguins fans at least a little reason to exhale.  He interviewed David Dattilo, the director of oral and maxillofacial surgery for West Penn Allegheny Health System, about the healing process for broken jaws held together by titanium plates.  With the obvious caveat that Dattilo is not Crosby's doctor (Sid is being treated at UPMC), the high-level overview is still (relatively) good news: Assuming no setbacks, and assuming that Sid keeps up his diet (which he surely will), he's looking at a return to action in 3-4 weeks, possibly even without special protective head gear.  The Pens' first playoff game should be May 1st, which would be 32 days (4.5 weeks) after the injury.

Crosby released an email that is notable only for the fact that it confirms that Sid's personality is unchanged by this latest injury: he remains one of the most boring quotes in professional sports.

What makes this all so wonderful is that Dattilo's Patient X for being so confident that Crosby will be back in 3-4 weeks is none other than Ben Roethlisberger.

Get ready for some leadership. 

When a Chrysler New Yorker had the unfortunate luck to crash into Roethlisberger's head in June 2006, Ben suffered a broken jaw that was reportedly treated using the same titanium plate procedure that was used on Crosby.  Big Ben, not known for missing an opportunity to be dramatic, showed up at training camp a month after the accident, none the worse for wear.

Ben at training camp in 2006 telling fans he's starting to feel a little tightness in his appendix.

It's not a coincidence that Big Ben's own plight has now been interwoven with the Penguins during the latter's potentially historic run of excellence.  We've been speculating on Twitter for the past week that Ben WILL insert himself into the Penguins' Cup push in some fashion.  That's how Ben is Ben. We assumed it just be Ben yukking it up with Mario in the owner's box, something that everyone who loves Mario simply chooses to pretend never happens.

Our reflex is to believe this is photoshopped. 

But now that his involvement is injury-related, Ben gets to be more Ben-like than even Ben thought Ben would get to be.  We reached out to Ben via email to see if he had any advice to offer Sid on recovering from a broken jaw.  Here's his reply.

I had a jaw in 2006. Having a jaw is not the same as a shoulder or a knee or a rib.  The thing is, when I had my jaw I also had a shoulder, a knee, a few ribs, and a head.  Then I got the appendix so that makes it a little different.  Anyway, the hardest part about having a jaw is that it makes it harder to communicate with my guys. Sometimes you just want to grab your men and say 'Great job, Tone,' but you can't. But one time before training camp I actually reached into my mouth, unscrewed the titanium plates, pulled Jeff Hartings aside and said, 'Great job, JH.'  We're just one big family here in Pittsburgh and I know that Sid's brothers will look out for him and I consider all those guys my brothers so I'll be looking out for them, too.  Family first.

Ben Roethlisberger: Hurt but no excuses; on track to weigh 350lbs

GTOG Staff

The NFL offseason is usually a smorgasbord of Mel Kiper trying to hold off Todd McShay's ascendance, an aging Steeler talking about brotherhood in the hopes that his emotional appeal will keep him from getting cut for another year, and Herm Edwards on the radio indiscriminately shouting, "IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE YOU HAVE TO BE SUCCESSFUL AT RUNNING THE FOOTBALL AND GET A HAT ON A HAT IF YOU WANNA BE A BALL CARRIER IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS TRYING TO DO WHAT YOU DO AND GET WHAT YOU GOT."  We don't pay a lot of attention to it.

But every once in a while you get a gem.  And it's almost always when Ben speaks.

Ed Bouchette scored an interview with the Leader of Men, who last week restructured his contract to clear cap space and make it clear to everyone that he was willing to carry the contracts of all his Men on his back.  Ed and Ben spent some time reflecting on last season's disappointment and how Ben is feeling this offseason.  As always, no excuses (but Ben was hurt):

"Sometimes, certain passes just weren't right. I didn't trust myself to get enough zip on it to throw it out there. I tried to guide it too much instead of just throw it. ... But that's making excuses ... I'll be better, health-wise. ... I feel great. I think I ended the season healthier than I have in a long time. I know that sounds crazy because of my ribs and chest, but I played three or four games at the end of the season and I was actually getting healthy as the season was ending. ... Not one person in this locker room ends the season 100 percent. I didn't end the season 100 percent but I felt healthier and better than I have in a long time. I'm working out earlier this year. I took one week off, one week. I have no issues."

Ben is so Ben. No word on whether he used his week off to take "mental reps" at St. Andrews Golf Club.

By the looks of his picture, there's no ceiling to how much Ben we might see when he retires. Maybe up to 350lbs worth.

More Ben, please.

Steelers' Brett Keisel goes to Super Bowl to promote Brett Keisel and rewrite history

By Finesse

No one panders like Steelers defensive end Brett Keisel.

He showed up at the media center in New Orleans for Super Bowl week (shocker, right?) as part of some Head and Shoulders campaign.  No word on whether he arrived in a tractor.  His purpose there appears to be an attempt at rewriting history.  Actually, that's his secondary objective.  His primary objective is to get attention.  That's always his primary objective.  As we wrote in September about his tendency for shameless and transparent pandering:

We're sure Keisel is a nice guy, that much of his humility is genuine, and that he's undoubtedly been a key part of the Steelers' defense over the past several years. But as his physical skills have eroded with age, he's played Yinzer-nation like a drum. By growing a monstrous beard and wearing hunting shirts to training camp, Keisel has made an indelible mark on the Yinzer-psyche (especially women, says me, based on nothing) and this is not by accident. He's become such a world-class panderer to the people of Pittsburgh that he's going to come out of the tunnel in week 5 actually wearing a hard hat and carrying a lunch pail.

But now? We're not even sure that any of his humility is genuine.  After the jump, we analyze the interview he gave to Ed Bouchette of the Post-Gazette.

Real Quote: "We do have some really good young talent that needs to step up and start making more plays in order for us to win."

• Our interpretation: "How bad must these guys be that they can't get on the field over me?  I'm begging to have someone take my job because if I get less playing time, then I can spend more time focusing on my real passion: drawing attention to myself at training camp."

Real Quote: "I'm talking about all the guys -- our young group of wideouts, our young offensive line, some young guys we have playing in the secondary. We need those guys to play 'A' ball, and, when they're out on the field, we need them to make plays in order to win."

• Our interpretation: "What I'd really like to do right now is string together a bunch of cliches that make me sound like I'm a team guy, when in reality I'm trying to deflect attention away from the fact that I lost the Oakland game for us and cost the team at least 50 seconds in the last 2 minutes of the first Baltimore game by jumping offsides."

Real Quote: "It can't just be the old dogs, if you will; we need some splash plays by those young guys."

• Our interpretation: "If I can get away with saying something this dumb and counter-factual, if you will, then I really do have the entire Pittsburgh media in the side pocket of my cargo shorts."

Real Quote: "You have a year like we did, with expectations like we did, there has to be changes, it's the way the business is. ... We'll see what happens. Obviously, I love being a Steeler, I love those guys in the locker room, but every year you lose some guys that you're brothers with. I'm sure this year will be no different."

• Our interpretation: "I will not pass up an opportunity to call my teammates my brothers. This, of course, is apropos of nothing, but you people eat this shit up."

Real Quote: "They have a tough job. Obviously, everyone knows we need to get some guys in to help us. That's a tough thing to do. You have a draft to do it in -- they pride themselves on building the team through the draft."

• Our interpretation:"This is the only thing I will say all day that actually makes sense."

Real Quote: "I feel like I can still get the job done. I feel like I have the front office's trust, I feel like I have my teammates' trust, I feel like I can lead this team out of this mediocre season."

• Our interpretation: "I led this team to a mediocre season.  Who better to lead us out?"

Real Quote: "I said it earlier in the year, I feel like we have as many weapons on the team as we ever have. We just have to come together. Hopefully, this year humbled some people and, really, maybe we can get re-focused and come back better."

• Our interpretation: "I have not been humbled in any way whatsoever.  Hard hats and lunch pails everyone!!!"

Unlike Ray Lewis, there is no way a Steeler would ever use banned deer-antler spray

By Finesse

Sports Illustrated is reporting that some guy in Birmingham, Alabama may have sold deer-antler spray to Ray Lewis to help Lewis recover from a torn triceps in what seems like an afternoon.  An ingredient in deer-antler spray is banned by the NFL.  Once again, the Steelers are proven to be morally superior to the Ravens.  A Steeler would never do steroids, let alone use deer-antler spray.

GTOG Christmas Podcast: On the Steelers, Roethlisberger, and Why Everything Has Been Terrible Since We Started This Site

On this special Christmas Podtacular, we talk about the Steelers' loss to the Bengals and how we evaluate Ben Roethlisberger. We also look back on how horrible things have been since we started the blog and ask for reader/listener advice going forward. Plus a special appearance from Mrs. Artistry.

Click here to subscribe on iTunes

iPhone/iPad

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Flash

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Steelers' Playoff Hopes Dead After Loss to Bengals; Trade Roethlisberger for Kirk Cousins?

By Finesse

The Steelers' season came to a fitting end yesterday after a game full of sustained incompetence, inexplicable coaching, and a legacy-impacting stink bomb from Big Ben.  We will have full analysis on our podcast tonight, but here are a few quick thoughts.

- Roethlisberger emptied his entire arsenal of "This one's on me" after the game yesterday, and that's how it should be.  Not only was he mediocre during his best moments yesterday, but looming over him the entire game was the one question that, when lingering, is often the kiss of death for quarterbacks: when is the backbreaking interception coming?

First quarter:

@gtogartistry Might as well. I'll text you when we have our game losing fourth quarter turnover.
— GTOG Finesse (@GTOGFinesse) December 23, 2012

And moments before the interception on the game-losing 4th quarter drive:

Really nervous about pick 6 here
— GTOG Finesse (@GTOGFinesse) December 23, 2012

Zero confidence in Ben
— GTOG Finesse (@GTOGFinesse) December 23, 2012

Gone are the days when you could arguably include Roethlisberger in the discussion of "which QB do I want down a score in the 4th quarter?"  It's not like he's bad now -- I'm still glad he's the Steelers' quarterback -- but his resume is increasingly filled with "what ifs?" and "this one's on me."  What's most frustrating about all of this is that despite the two Super Bowls he already has, he is the only reason that he doesn't have more.

Remember the three picks in the 2004 AFC title game? Remember these stats from 2006: 75.4 QB rating, 18 TDs, 23 interceptions, 8-8 record?  Remember the three picks in the wild card loss to the Jaguars?  Remember the five game losing streak and no playoffs in 2009? (Yes, Dennis Dixon lost one of those games).  Remember that the six games Roethlisberger lost in 2009 were decided by 3, 3, 6, 3, 3, and 7 points? Remember the heinous pick-6 against the Packers in a Super Bowl the Steelers lost by 6 points?  Remember the horribly discombobulated 2-minute drill the Steelers butchered at the end of that game?  Remember the three sacks he took on the final 4th-quarter drive against Denver in last year's playoff game that kept the Steelers from getting in field goal range?  And remember the game-losing plays this year to Denver, Dallas, and now Cincinnati?

And remember this?

And remember this press conference?

And remember this press conference?

There's arguably an excuse for every one of these games -- injuries, bad offensive line, "he put them in a position to be there in the first place" -- but the fact remains that the negatives are adding up.  Two Super Bowls is potentially a hall-of-fame career, and even the best QBs don't win the Super Bowl every year.  But the "he left plays on the field" cliche is ever more applicable to Roethsliberger.  The Steelers will only go as far as he takes them.  Unfortunately, he limits himself.

None of this is meant to denigrate what he has accomplished, which is incredibly impressive.  It's just to say that no longer does the conversation about his legacy begin and end with "That guy's a winner."  It may still begin that way, but there's a "but."

- Obviously, the Steelers shouldn't trade Roethlisberger for Kirk Cousins, or anyone for that matter.  That's something we call the "Recoil Test" -- the best measure of a player's worth is your gut reaction to suggestions for trading him.  And I threw up on myself typing that headline.  So, yes, let's keep Ben.

- The Steelers' defense was very good yesterday.  We thought all along that the defense would be the downfall of this team.  What a shame that it now seems like another year of a good defense wasted.

- Having said that, like the playoff loss to Jacksonville 5 years ago, maybe this loss is a blessing in disguise.  Going 7-9 is a lot less damaging to the team's legacy than losing 45-14 in New England in the first round of the playoffs would have been.

- We will break down all the implications of the Steelers loss on tonight's podcast.  Make sure to watch for it.

GTOG Podcast: Steelers lose to Cowboys; will they make the playoffs?

Podcast on the Steelers, Ben vs. his coaches, Antonio Brown, other football stuff, and brief discussion of the Bachelorette wedding between JP and Ashley.

Click here to subscribe on iTunes

iPhone/iPad:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Flash:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Mike Tomlin Defends Indefensible 2-Point Conversion Decision with Inexplicable Explanation

By Finesse

When the Steelers went down 34-10 to the San Diego Chargers, there were plenty reasons to be upset with the Steelers.  Mike Tomlin's coaching was certainly fair game for criticism, even if only for the fact that the Steelers were losing by TWENTY-FOUR POINTS at home to the Chargers.  But it's when the Steelers scored a touchdown and cut the lead to 34-16 that Tomlin's deficiencies stepped to the forefront.

Wallace's 11-yard TD with 6:07 left in the 4th brought the Steelers to 34-16 pending the extra point.  Instead of going for 2 and potentially cutting the lead to 16 -- a two-possession game -- Tomlin decided to kick the extra point, stay down three possessions, and put the official GARBAGE TIME stamp on the rest of the game.  Tomlin's attempted explanation of this horrific decision compounded our befuddlement.  From Joe Starkey's Twitter, Tomlin was asked if he considered going for two:

"No. Until we stopped them it was going to be insignificant. I was holding the two-point plays for that reason and that reason only. Now, we still have them in our hip pocket. Those specialty plays we didn't want to put on tape unless we had an opportunity to close the gap. As you can see, we didn't."

[Asked if this meant he thought the game was out of hand] 

"I didn't say the game was out of hand," Tomlin said. "I said that I was going to hold it until I saw signs of us being capable of stopping them."

This makes less than no sense for so many reasons.

First: As unlikely as it was that the Steelers would score two TD's and two 2-pt conversions in the last 6 minutes, at least there was a chance.  Down 17, Tomlin had conceded.

Second: This is a bullshit explanation that makes no sense.  Saving plays?  Is there some special play the Steelers have prepared for 2-point conversions that they could never run, I don't know, twice?  Is it impossible to call, I don't know, a different play that wouldn't ruin the surprise of this super-2-point-conversion that Tomlin is holding in his hip pocket?  Even accepting the ridiculous notion that there is some super-secret play the Steelers are holding onto, they couldn't have run a fade? Or a rollout?  Or a run?  Next time the Steelers go for two, Roethlisberger better crap gold.

Would probably try.

Third: Tomlin implies that he was trying to prove some point to his team that as long as they weren't stopping anyone, he wasn't going to let them get in a position to win. This is, again, indefensible.  What if the Chargers fumbled the kickoff?  What if Rivers threw an INT?  What if  the Chargers went 3-and-out and the Steelers ran the punt back (yeah right)?  Whether Tomlin thought the Steelers deserved a chance to win after their play to that point is irrelevant.  Try to win the game, and make your point at practice.

There's probably a .001% chance the Steelers would have won if Tomlin went for two, but Tomlin chose, for reasons that diminish his credibility, to make that chance zero.  Thankfully, the Bengals handed the Steelers a gift with their last-second loss to the Cowboys.  I'm surprised Tomlin hasn't declined to accept the Bengals loss because the Steelers definitely don't deserve it.

More to come on the Steelers this week.

GTOG Podcast: Steelers’ Batchwork Victory Over Ravens; Chiefs Tragedy

We talk the Steelers' huge win and the murder-suicide in Kansas City.

Click here to subscribe on iTunes

iPhone/iPad:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Flash:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Yeah, we don't feel bad for you.

The Truth About the Steelers

By Artistry

A couple of games into this virtually unwatchable NFL season, we noted that the Steelers were one Ben Roethlisberger injury away from being Cleveland. Little did we know that we were a subsequent Byron Leftwich self-inflicted rib trauma away from agreeing with Cleveland.

But that shouldn't obscure a larger truth about this team: it's about as durable as the love of a Bachelorette.

Clean-up of JEF's heart on aisle 5.

The Steelers have averaged almost 10 players a week on the injury report. Mike Tomlin press conferences have turned into lengthy recitations of names and corresponding battered body parts.

"Antonio has an ankle. 'Shard has a heel. Ben has an aorta. Troy has a calf."

Lots of teams have long injury reports, you say. True, but usually they don't mean anything. Take the Baltimore Ravens in Week 12. They had 16 names on the injury report, and 13 of those players were listed as "probable."

Contrast that with Pittsburgh, where Ryan Clark, David Decastro, James Harrison, Rashard Mendenhall, Jonathan Dwyer, Troy Polamalu, Marcus Gilbert, Lamarr Wooley, Maurkice Pouncey, Isaac Redman, Stevenson Sylvester, Jason Worrlds, Antonio Brown, Byron Leftwich, Jericho Cotchery, Willie Colon, Mike Adams, and Ben Roethlisberger have all missed time. Most of the starting lineup has been out for multiple games.

Does any of this mean we won't make the playoffs? No. Even if we concede this week, Ben can come back reasonably healthy in week 14, we can win 3 of the last 4 against the Chargers, Cowboys, Bengals, and Browns, and the bet here is we get in. But will it be painful to watch? I'm afraid that as far as that question goes, the standard is the standard.

Big Ben's Barracks: Plax is Back!

By Artistry

Plaxico Burress is coming home to Pittsburgh.  For Ben Roethlisberger, the memories came flooding back on Tuesday when he heard the news.

"Remember that time Plax caught the ball over the middle, jumped up, and spiked the ball, not realizing the play was still live?"  Big Ben's eyes lit up as he reminisced about his old friend.  "And then, remember that time he shot himself in the leg?"

Yes!

With Jericho Cotchery and Antonio Brown banged up heading into the Week 12 matchup in Cleveland, the Steelers are turning for help to their now 35-year-old former first-round draft pick.  Can Burress recapture his past glory?

"Plaxico is in very good physical condition, from what I saw today," Coach Mike Tomlin said after watching game tape of Plaxico Burress from 2004.

"It doesn't really matter," Roethlisberger observed.  "It's always better to have more of your Men than fewer of your Men. The more Men the better, I always say."

The Steelers also signed former Tom Brady back-up quarterback Brian Hoyer as insurance for when Charlie Batch breaks his hip this Sunday. Said Roethlisberger, "Hm? OK."

GTOG RECAP: Brett Keisel and James Harrison are already trying to get a running start at Brandon Weeden; Steelers lose to Ravens 13-10

By GTOG Staff

Subject to the possible premise-killing caveat that last night was the best game the Steelers' defense has played in over a year, let's explore the following premise: the Steelers' defense could have and should have won the game.  Joe Flacco was ripe for a strip-sack all night.  He was just a tall, over-confident, unibrowed statue standing in the pocket, unable to complete a pass downfield, just begging to have the ball swiped from him.  Unfortunately, it's not 2009.

The Good Ol' Days

The most glaringly obvious area of decline for the Steelers this year is wearing number 92.  Until his late "sack" of Joe Flacco (the result of great coverage and a good decision by Flacco to not risk an incomplete pass to stop the clock), the only indication that James Harrison was even playing was because Chris Collinsworth wouldn't stop talking about him.  Collinsworth was either watching a game tape from 2009 or hasn't watched a Steeler game since 2009, but what we saw from Harrison was an enormous amount of nothing.  Ditto for Brett "Key" Keisel, who committed yet another terrible late game offsides penalty (he did the same against Oakland).  If he doesn't go offsides, Baltimore punts coming out of the 2-minute warning.  But he did go offsides, Baltimore ran another play, Harrison got a sack that he's still over-celebrating, and the Steelers got the ball back with no timeouts, 65 seconds on the clock, and a quarterback throwing like the 40mph machine at the batting cages.  Players tend to try to cheat the snap count when they know they can't get to the QB otherwise.

Actual game photo of James Harrison from last night

While we're nitpicking the end of the 4th quarter, let's not let Tomlin's clock management off the hook. With the Ravens facing 3rd-and-7 with 2:09 left and the clock running, Tomlin decided to use his final timeout at 2:04.  Had he not called timeout, the clock hits the 2-minute warning and the Ravens have a tough decision: 1) run the ball and force the Steelers to use their final timeout, or 2) throw for the first down but risk an incomplete pass that would stop the clock and leave the Steelers with a timeout remaining.  By calling the timeout at 2:04, Tomlin allowed the Ravens to run a pass play without the downside of stopping the clock on an incomplete pass -- the clock had to stop anyway at the 2-minute warning, so of course they were going to throw for the first down.  It turned out to be somewhat moot because the Ravens chose Option 3: wait for Key to jump offsides to burn even more time.

The standard is the standard.

Of course, the Steelers' defense didn't cost the Steelers the game.  In fact, it's the only reason this was a game in the first place, yielding only 3 points (the other 10 were special teams and a gift from Mike Wallace).  It was the unit's best performance in a very long time, and maybe the best game Swaggin' U has played in ... ever?  We leave this game with unexpected confidence in the defense, and feeling thoroughly unimpressed with Baltimore.

So let's talk about Byron Leftwich after the jump...

Pro Bowl grimace.

Where was Charlie Batch last night? We understand that Byron Leftwich is a warrior who graduated from the Ben Roethlisberger School of Histrionic Leadership, but he's also a man who fell untouched onto the grass, injured his ribs, and threw fielding practice for the rest of the game. And he hasn't won a start since 2006.  Charlie Batch is fragile, but he wins games. With word coming out this afternoon that Leftwich has broken ribs and is out for the game against Cleveland, it's time to invest in Charlie Batch.  Because if history has proven anything, it's that investing with Charlie Batch is a great decision.

- During halftime the Steelers celebrated their 80 year anniversary by honoring team alumni.  They should have kept Troy Polamalu out there just in case.

- There were a few moments in the 4th quarter of the game that really crystallized what needs to happen this offseason: 1) Rashard Mendenhall failing to realize he needed to get out of bounds with less than two minutes to go in the game and no timeouts; 2) James Harrison celebrating his first sack - nay, his first discernible play - of the game, apparently not realizing an incomplete pass would have actually been far better under the circumstances; and 3) Mike Wallace making no effort to help his QB by coming back to the ball to scoop up that short-armed 2nd and 11 pass.

All of these guys should be gone this spring.

• Mendenhall because Dwyer is a better runner, plain and simple (we would have run him twice when the Steelers had 3rd and short from the 5, down 6 in the 4th quarter).
• Harrison because he makes a fortune, isn't good anymore, and scares women and children. He's entered the 2011-Alexi-Kovalev phase of his career where he gets tired in the middle of the play, sits down, and hopes for the best.
• Mike Wallace because it would be really exhausting having to talk after every game about all the plays our $10 million man left on the field. 

On the positive side of things...

- Keenan Lewis is a Pro Bowl player. Maybe not this year, but it's coming.

 - We've called out the front 7 all season for what we diagnosed as Perpetual Inability To Stop Anyone Disorder (PITSAD). Last night, save for the inability to get sacks when the secondary was covering better than ever, they looked like the old Steelers, holding Baltimore to 47 yards on 23 carries.

- The Ravens are 8-2, but they aren't scaring anyone and probably won't maintain their current spot as the #2 seed.  The Patriots are in their typical November run-up-the-score mode, so 13-3 is hardly out of the question for them.  Peyton Manning is doing the same thing that Phil Rivers is doing every week except the exact opposite: he's getting better.  The Ravens, on the other hand, have at least 4 lose-able games (PIT, DEN, NYG, CIN), and Joe Flacco is worse on the road than Amanda Bynes.

- From the Steelers' perspective, this loss is devastating in the division race but likely won't have much impact on the wild-card race.  As we discussed on our podcast live from Ben's hospital room, 9-7 should be good enough to get at least the final wild-card spot, and maybe even the #5 seed.  Right now, the Steelers and Colts are both 6-4 and the Bengals are hanging around at 5-5.  Everyone else is horrible.  If all the Steelers do over the last 6 games is beat the Browns twice and win at home against Cincy, 9-7 with the tiebreaker over the Bengals should suffice.

And assuming 9-7 would suffice, and assuming Big Ben comes back, there's no question which division leader we'd like to see in Round 1.

GTOG Podcast Live from Mercy Hospital: Ben Roethlisberger's Life Threatening Injury

We report live from Mercy hospital on the status of Ben Roethlisberger's life-threatening injury. This is an exclusive scoop that no one else has.*

Click here to subscribe on iTunes

iPhone/iPad:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Flash:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

*We also discuss whether Game 4 in 1992 against the Blackhawks was Mario's most dominant performance, aesthetically.  The pass we discuss is around the 5:35 mark.

Big Ben Roethlisberger Makes Sure the World is Watching; Steelers Win 16-13

By Finesse

Ben Roethlisberger sustained what might be a very significant shoulder injury in last night's 13-10* overtime "win" over the Chiefs, a game so boring and so tedious that Artistry, for the first time in his life, fell asleep during the game.  He awoke with no regrets.

The highlight of the game, if not the highlight of the entire season, occurred after Ben went into the locker room to have his shoulder examined.  He stepped gingerly from the examination room into the bowels of Heinz Field.  He puffed out his chest.  He put on his serious face.  And then he did what only Seven can do: he turned and made sure the ESPN cameras were watching.

Seven being Seven.

If Ben misses any extended period of time, the Steelers are in big trouble.  And if our best defensive players are launching themselves at receivers with a technique more likely to cause concussions than if they had just smashed each other over the head with sledge-hammers, we may want to temporarily hold off on booking hotels for wild card weekend.

* I'm being told that the final score of the game was actually 16-13, but that would imply a scenario far too predictable to have actually happened: the Steelers' "Number One Against the Pass" defense gives up a 4th and 15 to Matt Cassel that leads to the tying field goal, but then capitalizes on an abominable interception from Cassel that essentially hands the Steelers the win.  That would be exactly how we would have predicted the final 2 minutes of this game to play out, but life never goes according to script.**

** Unless the Steelers' pass defense and Matt Cassel are prominently involved.

GTOG Podcast: We talk the Steelers' big win, plus election analysis and NHL Lockout watch

It's a power-packed podcast on Election Eve.  Find out our state-by-state prediction, plus Steelers and NHL talk.  It's the GTOG Podcast.

Click here to subscribe on iTunes

iPhone/iPad:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Flash:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Updating the Rules of Writing a Ron Cook Column

By GTOG Staff

Our very first post here in June 2010 set forth 14 separate rules for writing a Ron Cook column, and an example of those rules in action:  It took only 25 minutes, total, to write a full "Ron Cook column."

So much free time.

Over the course of the past two years, we've slacked off on updating the rules despite some novel rhetorical devices debuted by Cook (including the use of a bullet point to declare: "• Sandusky never will get back his good name.").

Today Cook gave us no choice but to update our list because of the following sequence in this morning's column about the Steelers' decision to not cut alleged drunk-driver, Alameda Ta'amu.

It's hard to believe Ta'amu will get behind the wheel of a vehicle and drive drunk again.
Or is it hard to believe?

In light of this sequence, we adopt the following rule as Rule 15:

15. [Insert statement]. Or is [insert statement]?

Or do we adopt it?

Here is the complete set of Rules for Writing a Ron Cook Column

1. Ask as many rhetorical questions as you want
2. Answer your own rhetorical questions, preferably with as few words as possible
3. Use more one-sentence (or one-word) paragraphs than multiple-sentence paragraphs
4. Add/Subtract/Multiply/Divide things that aren't numbers. Ex. "Marc-Andre Fleury + Evgeni Malkin + Sidney Crosby + Jordan Staal = Stanley Cup"
5. End as many sentences as possible with the following words: though, right, really, you say, I say, too, actually
6. Have a consistent "theme" that occasionally appears throughout the article in italics
7. Start all non-controversial, universally agreed upon points with an affirmative (ex. Yes, Yep, Sure, Of course, Certainly, No doubt)
8. String together consecutive sentences that are 4 words or less. Ex. "Accumulate high draft choices. Make smart selections. Have a little luck."
9. Write sentences without a subject. Ex. "Be bad for a long time."
10. Ask/demand the reader to do the following:

• Tell you something. Ex. "Tell me something."
• Ask himself something. Ex.  "Ask yourself something."
• Think about something. Ex. "Think about this."
• Remember something. Ex. "Remember?"
• Not mention something. Ex. "Don't mention ___."
• Not tell you something. Ex. "You can't tell me that isn't the Big Ten's No. 1 goal." 
• Not get you started. Ex. "Don't get me started." 
• Not get you wrong. Ex. "Don't get me wrong." 

11. End one out of every four columns with the phrase, "You don't have to _____ to understand _____."
12. Start three or more consecutive sentences with the same word. Ex. "So smart. So steady. So serviceable." [Note the overlap between rules].
13. Tell the readers something that you just told them that they don't have to tell you. Ex. "I don't have to tell you whom they're laughing at now."
14. Ask yourself for your own opinion. Ex. "Me?"
15. [Insert statement]. Or is [insert statement]?

Me?