Believe it or not: "No bad news" about Steelers becoming a parody of themselves

By Artistry

Steelers training camp is underway. Day 1 is in the books and there was absolutely no discernible bad news, the Pittsburgh Post Gazette reported on Saturday.

Presumptive starting right tackle Mike Adams looks little the worse for wear after absorbing multiple stab wounds during an attempted carjacking at 3:00 am on the south side, where we're sure he had every reason to be hanging out, because nothing bad ever happens to Steelers on Carson Street at that time of the morning.

"He's got full clearance," said Coach Mike Tomlin, as he checked his mentions on Twitter.

"It should be exciting, me delving into the social media world," Tomlin inexplicably continued. "I figure we spend a lot of time talking to our guys about what to do, I thought it would be appropriate and timely to show them. We'll see if I can do it in a professional manner."

As onlookers immediately checked their smart phones to determine if they had ever managed to tweet in a professional manner, veteran defensive lineman Brett Keisel showed up in a dump truck.

Key

"We're constructing our team," said the hard-hat wearing Keisel, by way of explanation why he, a self-proclaimed team leader in the midst of a precipitous decline, was driving a dump truck.  "Everyone is writing us off, but we feel like we can construct, hopefully a championship team," added the Beard, who, again, was driving a dump truck.

There was also no bad news accompanying the arrival of Maurkice Pouncey, the perpetually overrated center and earnest supporter of former college teammates charged with murder.  Pouncey breezily addressed the media about what he acknowledged was the mistake of suggesting the guy charged with murder should just be freed, you know, without a trial.  Be cool, everybody, suggested Pouncey.

"You know what, man, I understand it was a serious situation," he said. "I apologized if I offended anybody. I'm here to play football; let's move off from that. I know I took a lot of heat for it and I probably should have. I understand what happened, and it's pretty cool now. Let things blow away."

"It's all good, baby."

Also feeling pretty cool right now is wide receiver Antonio Brown, who arrived at camp in a Rolls Royce.

Maybe like the 27th best receiver in football.

The surge of optimism in Latrobe culminated with would-be starting left tackle Marcus Gilbert being carted off the field after barely completing a conditioning test. Still, he passed the test, so no biggie, noted Tomlin, who had become accustomed to former nose tackle Casey Hampton barely breaking into a jog before collapsing. Everything is relative, thought the training staff as they helped Gilbert off the turf.

Yes, all is well in Steeler nation. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger did not participate in the workout with his teammates because of lingering discomfort in his surgically repaired knee, but that is "a personal issue for him" and no issue for the team, because why would it be, Tomlin explained.

The fans can barely contain their excitement.

"These guys are ridiculous," I said to myself after reading today's paper and digesting all of these actual, honest-to-goodness quotes. "I've got fantasy football to keep me engaged, and it takes my mind off the fact that it's now emotionally safer and more fun to mock the Steelers than it is to blindly invest in their success. Can't wait to get started."

Big Ben's Barracks: Ben will not leave Emanuel Sanders behind

By Artistry

[Int. Kevin Colbert's office]

Steelers General Manager Colbert sits in his chair, staring at framed picture of Ray Shero.

Colbert: "I know you can't hear me, but Jesus do I need you right now."

The phone rings.

Colbert: "Kevin Colbert."

Big Ben: "KC baby, it's Ben. How you doing? Listen, I want to get out in front of this Emanuel Sanders situation."

Colbert: "I'm not sure what you mean by getting out in front of it."

Big Ben: "There's an offer on the table for Manny to go join Tom, and we have until Monday to match. I want us to go ahead and match that today, not Monday. Get out in front of the situation."

Colbert: "I see. Look, Ben, first of all, I don't know if we'll match. It's a difficult decision. Sanders is a free agent after next season, and this puts us in a position where we have to pay $2.5 million to keep him for the year. Then he likely walks away and we get no compensation. If we let him go now, we get that 3rd round draft choice. In any event, if we match it, then it doesn't matter if we do it today or Monday."

Big Ben: "While I respect you, KC and the Sunshine Band, I could not disagree more. If a soldier is on a boat that gets taken out by a torpedo, and he's still alive and clinging to a mini-glacier like in Titanic, holding on for dear life, do you tell him, oh, just wait until Monday? No. You move heaven and earth to get him out of there.

Colbert: "Ben, I....That's just not a useful analogy at all. We need to look at the big picture here."

Big Ben: "Don't tell me about the big picture. I'm 31 years old. My window isn't staying open forever. If you leave Manny stranded on that little iceberg, who do we even have left at wide receiver besides AB and Cotch?"

Colbert: "Oh, you'll have targets. We've got Kashif Moore on the roster, Derek Moye, Bert Reed....Oh dear God forgive me (starts sobbing).

Big Ben: KC? KC, you all right? The Lord forgives, the Lord forgives. Hey man, go easy. You know what? WE FORGOT PLAX. We forgot Plax.

Don't forget Plax.

Big Ben (con'd): I don't know why that didn't occur to me. It's on me for even raising this issue and making you cry, KC. You know I approve of all the eight-figure contracts you gave to James, Troy, Lamarr, Lawrence, etc. If it means we're a little tight against the cap, that's the cost of doing business with great men.

Colbert: I guess so (sobbing). Thanks for being so generous about it.

Big Ben: Listen, I've got a big heart.