Jimmy Kimmel's squeezable buns

Sometimes a game show news story really grabs your attention. Or it grabs your ass. Or both.

Jimmy Kimmel, currently host of a late night chatfest and previously co-host of beloved game show Win Ben Stein's Money, has told an intriguing story of flesh-pinching. Seems that while Jimmy was playing sidekick to Ben Stein, contestant Arianna Huffington - of Huffington Post fame and fortune - started squeezing Mr. Kimmel's hindquarters. Jimmy didn't quite know what to do, so he just turned red.

Or that's how he described the close rear encounter last night to Bill Maher, who was guesting on Jimmy's talk show. Maher seemed slightly incredulous but the "crazy" Arianna doesn't deny the story.

She chuckles that, if she squeezed Jimmy's Charmin, she did so only because her "buzzer was broken." Of course, if Jimmy had put the squeeze on Arianna's rear, an 88-gazillion-dollar sexual harassment suit would have resulted. This is one big advantage the ladies have nowadays, he said grumpily (and truthfully).

Grind it into sausage

Any cheap game show that can snag 18-49 ratings somewhere in the not-so-terrible twos will get ground through a zillion runs. Wipeout is no exception to this remorseless rule. We've had summer Wipeout and winter Wipeout and now spring Wipeout will arrive St. Paddy's Day.

It's only a four-episode run, but about.com's Carrie Grosvenor is still a little concerned. She writes:

What I worry about now though is scheduling abuse. We all saw what happened with other game shows we love - networks enjoy a ratings boost, decide they need MORE MORE MORE! and overdo it, and then people stop watching because the show is on all the time and getting stale.

Guess what. Carrie's right. And I'm not just saying that to get a few extra votes in her Readers' Choice poll. (Though if you want to vote for this blog...hint, hint...shameless begging.) Networks always grind hit game shows with brutal overuse because they're so cheap and easy to produce.

Then the ratings tank and the networks move onto the next quick-and-dirty date. Sounds like my long-ago love life as a single.

Three Soccer/Football Book Reviews

I was recently made the moderator for a Football Manager-related forum called The FM Reporter, and as part of my duties, I've written a few reviews of some soccer-related books I've read recently, and I thought I would share them here as well.

Inverting the Pyramid: Jonathan Wilson, a writer for The Guardian, The Independent and Sports Illustrated, wrote a rather comprehensive history of the tactics of soccer. I am a man who doesn't have a lot of background with the game, aside from playing FIFA and other games like that, so for one book to give me the confidence and understanding of an entire game

Because the focus is as much the figures and teams that employed these tactics and the reasons why as it is on the tactics themselves, the book becomes a stunningly interesting and informative read once you get into the early 20th century, because it took a while for the game to go from its formative years, where even the forward pass was looked as something foreign to the Englishmen who originally played the game, to a period of increased creativity and tactical thinking. The usual suspects that you would expect to be in a book like this are featured prominently: Jimmy Hogan, Meisl, Hebert Chapman, Rinus Michels, Herrera, Arrigo Sacchi, Alf Ramsey, Bela Guttman, Gusztáv Sebes, Bilardo and the like. I know I've forgotten to mention quite a few, but I am doing this by memory, so I hope you forgive the lapses.

But the thing that I found very educational about the book wasn't just that it diagrammed the positions of various players for specific historic games or went into the specifics of how a particular formation worked. It was the fact that it discussed why a particular change happened. More often than not, a change in tactics happened when a team had been isolated from international competition and they met up with another international squad which embarrassed them (England vs Hungary 1953 and Argentina at the 1958 World Cup comes to mind). That's the reason you really don't see tactics like the WM or the 2-3-5 any more (though, you never know, it may be such an antiquated formation now that a modern team running a version of it may stun an opponent that had never played against it on the field).

And it is the discussion of why a particular tactic fell out of favor that helped me really grasp soccer formations and tactics... because in thinking about the problem a manager in the past faced, it made me think about the sort of things I was seeing on the field in FM, and variations on the formations I used. It made me start really looking at formations in a critical way, and I think that was helpful for my development as a manager. I didn't try to emulate the formations I read about... I created my own based on the thinking this book inspired. I heartily recommend this book for anyone who is interested in tactics and formations. Even if you don't read it cover to cover, just reading a few chapters/sections might help you get a better grasp on the subject matter.

The Ball Is Round: I first read this book in late 2008, and it made a real impact on me, so when I started playing Football Manager, I decided to buy a copy instead of taking it out from the library again. If I was going to teach a university level course about the history of soccer, this would be the text book I would use as it gives a reader a very good survey of the totality of the game and its development around the world. Although David Goldblatt arguably wrote a popular history of the game, the depth and breadth of his study of the entirety of the subject is astonishing. Of course, given how massive the book is (it is nearly 1000 pages), that is to be expected.

Now, even though the book discusses soccer as a worldwide phenomenon, most of the emphasis is on England, Europe and Latin/South America, though Africa and to a much lesser extent Asia and North America have time devoted to them, but for those latter areas, it is a good start for someone who is interested in the history of soccer in those regions. And in many ways, The Ball is Round is as much a history of the societies that soccer was played in and the changing economics around the game as it is a history of the personalities within the game (but they certainly don't get short shrift either).

I was particularly taken by the sections detailing the dark days of the 1980's, where fan culture, corruption and crowd disasters almost destroyed the sport and the rebirth of soccer as a new entity in the 1990's. And any time someone talks about FIFA, I usually bring this book up as Goldblatt talks about the corruption that has plagued the organization, especially during the Havelange and Blatter years.

Tactics and formations get mentioned every so often, but they really aren't the focus of the book, so be aware of that (and if you are looking for a book that covers the history of tactics, Inverting the Pyramid is the way you want to go).

So if you are looking for a rather comprehensive history of the game, then this is the book for you, and a good jumping off point for more specialized study for a particular region.

Soccernomics: Written by Simon Kuper (Football Against The Enemy) and economist Stefan Szymanski has much in common with the book that may have given rise to it, Freakonomics.

The book discusses and largely debunks a number of the commonly assumed truths about soccer through statistical analysis of large reams of data.

It covers subjects like the seeming underperformance of the English National team, the oddities of the transfer market, the financial insolvency of the sport as a whole (because unless you are one of the big teams, you are likely losing money), penalty kicks, the movement of the major domestic and international silverware from provincial town clubs towards those in increasingly urban/capital areas.

The transfer market myth is that the more you spend on transfers, the more successful your team is going to be long-term when it seems that teams with higher salaries tend to be the winners again and again.

The book also examined soccer (and sport in general) and its correlation to suicide (turns out sports save more fans than it might lead to suicide), and in a related subject, the real reason cities and countries want to build big new stadiums and hold major competitions. It was a surprising revelation that has colored my thinking on the subject.

While it's revelations aren't as delightful as the ones from Freakonomics, it is still a fascinating book, and one worth reading by those interested in soccer.

--

I think after 15 years, football/soccer has finally taken root with me.

Bachelor Retroactive Live Blog: Out of Africa? No, Please Stay. Really.

By GTOG Staff

The finish line of this season of ABC's "The Bachelor" is in sight, the cast and crew are in South Africa, and we can hold out at least some hope that they will all decide to stay there. You know what that means. Time for a conversation that never happened, and probably never should have.

Artistry: This week was hard for me, as I was hoping to see Shawntel on a safari.

Finesse: I think this was hard on everybody. Especially Brad. He's scared, and we know this because he keeps saying, "I'm scared." I like that he's man enough to show his Emotion.

Afraid Of Everything But Heights

Artistry: Right. To sum up, here is the entire list of what Brad is feeling as he heads to Africa, as voiced over by Brad as he gazes off of a balcony in New York.

1) "I have no clue what I'm doing right now."
2) "I need this badly."
3) "I have a very strong connection with each of these women."
4) "I'm terrified of being alone"; and
5) "I'm terrified of these decisions. These decisions are going to affect my life."

"I'm so scared. And I'm very nervous. And I'm really anxious."

After the jump, we conquer Brad's fear, Chantal's touch, Emily's charm, and Ashley's babble...




Finesse: The hardest thing for him must be getting on the balcony-less airplane, where he struggles valiantly to articulate his thoughts on the three remaining Ladies. Brad believes that kissing Chantal O. is not perfect, but close to it; he wonders where Ashley's heart is, which sounds a lot like her walls may be up; and he relives his bizarre speech to Emily where he scolded her, "I just met your daughter, she's sleeping upstairs. I want to kiss you. I'm just not." Yet he still finds time during the flight to read his 7th grade textbook, as evidenced on his descent into South Africa, "It's a very vast land full of exotic animals."

Artistry: It only takes Brad a minute to grasp the full import of Africa's vastness and exotic-ness. Wait a minute, he says, Africa is "dangerous."

Finesse: There it is. That's what this show's producers understand so well. You need a little peril to forge lasting relationships.

Artistry: Chantal gets the first date, and cue the lions.

Finesse: Those lions are really beautiful.  Do we put it past the ABC producers that they were drugged and dragged to the side of the road?  They do it to the Ladies' fathers on Hometowns, so why not the lions?

Artistry: Chantal wonders, "Is this really my life?" Funny, I just noticed I've been working on this post for 45 minutes and wondered exactly the same thing.

Finesse: On the safari to lunch, it takes Brad and Chantal eleven minutes before they see every species of animal living in Africa.  Either they are actually at a zoo, or lunch is going to be on Noah's Ark. At said lunch, there is a hippopotamus wading in the nearby pond, a view that Brad enjoys but Chantal finds unsettling. "I am trusting Brad to keep me safe," notes Chantal.  What she doesn't realize is that just off camera, there is the Protector of the Heart himself, stoically and silently standing guard over Chantal's physical and emotional heart.

Safety First.

Artistry: It really wouldn't surprise me if producers hired Roberto to be on set for every episode. Calming presence.

Before you know it, Chantal is completely at ease. "Is it weird to say I miss your family," Brad asks. Let me take this one, Chantal. Yes.

Finesse: At dinner that night, Brad insists to Chantal that he can act in ways with her that he can't around the other Ladies.  Maybe the difference is that when he talks to Chantal, he looks down and to the left, but when he talks to Emily and Ashley, he looks down and to the right.  In either case, they then discuss whether they should just get married right there on the spot, which leads Chantal to clarify that she is not one of those people who just gets engaged and then only later figures out whether she actually wants to get married.  Has any one ever met a person like that?

Artristry: Chantal is certain that marriage is an unbreakable bond. Who cares if she's already been married and divorced? That was probably ages ago. Before the show.

Finesse: Ah, it's time for the best feature in all of Bachelordom - the "overnight card."  For the uninitiated, the "overnight card" is an invitation written by host Chris Harrison, in a woman's handwriting, that proposes to a Lady that if she wishes to "forego" her own apartment, she can spend the evening with Brad in the "Fantasy Suite."  We are currently working on similar invitations for Poise to pass out on our behalf at the top of the Metro escalators.

Chantal, of course, accepts the overnight card and then proceeds to snuggle Brad in a treehouse in the middle of South Africa, explaining how it all happened as follows: "Brad just guided me into his treehouse."

Mrs. Artistry: Slut.

Has No Fans At Casa De Artistry

Finesse: The next day, Brad, hopefully showered, moves seamlessly into the episode's second date. But when Brad is havin' lunch with Mrs. Ricky Bobby on a TV set in the middle of the jungle, he appears to be strugglin' with his body language toward Mrs. Ricky Bobby, showcasin' an inability to make any eye-contact or perhaps just readin' his lines off of cue cards on the floor. Brad insists that he hasn't stopped thinkin' about five-year old Little Ricki. We have.

Artistry: Emily was the early favorite here at GTOG, but I'm afraid she's got a deadly trifecta going here: too classy (I mean, for Brad), too dull, and too much makeup. Is there anything she can do pull even with Chantal? 

Finesse: Well, there is one thing that just might work. Mrs. Ricky Bobby finally reveals before dinner that she is startin' to fall in love with Brad. This injects some excitement into the proceedings, but, predictably, frightens Brad.  Take a spin.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Ricky Bobby is feelin' "just so excited," which would be a lot more convincin' if she didn't say it with the energy level of the Dancing With The Stars crowd during Ralph Macchio's introduction.  [GTOG is currently in negotiations about watching DWTS this season].  Brad offers the overnight card and key to the Fantasy Suite to Mrs. Ricky Bobby, who waffles back and forth about wantin' to set an example as a mom, but also feelin' like she wants to spend more time with Brad.  After buyin' time, she takes the plunge.

Back in the Fantasy Suite, she starts deconstructin' the final pieces of her walls, telling Brad that she is "fallin' in love with him," declared with the same passion and excitement that you feel when readin' articles about Sidney Crosby's concussion symptoms.

Artistry: Inescapable comparison.

Finesse: Emily is strugglin' with her feelings for Brad in light of her prior marriage to the late Ricky Bobby, but she settles this internal conflict by finally realizin' that Ricky's purpose on Earth was to show her what love is so that she could find it with Brad.  So to summarize: Ricky Bobby's purpose in life was to impregnate Emily at 19, die in a fiery plane crash, and then watch from the sky as his daughter played Easy Bake Oven with Brad on national TV while his wife spent the night with Brad in a Fantasy Suite?  Sign me up!

Ricky Bobby's Masterpiece

Artistry: Speaking of catastrophes, let's talk about Ashley.

Finesse: Do we have to?

Artistry:  Unfortunately, yes.  "I am FREAKING OUT," she shrieks, as a helicopter swoops in to pick her and Brad up for the final date of the episode. And why not? No one ever has to fly in a helicopter on this show. No way she could have seen it coming. Mrs. Artistry and I debate whether we can just FF through Ashley, but ultimately decide we can't afford to miss what promises to be some really quotable conversation.

Finesse: In the helicopter, Ashley feels on top of the world. We're skeptical whether she will still feel on top of the world at 3 am in a puke-covered bar in Austin while Brad is getting hit on by undergrads, but we digress.  Ashley pretends that she feels more comfortable with Brad after the Hometown with her annoying sister, but can't seem to recall any actual fun memories with Brad other than the carnival date which took place in the first episode of the season. Brad does an admirable job pretending to remember.

Their date proceeds to a picnic at a place called God's Window, which provides them with an incredible view.  This must be where Ricky Bobby watches the show from.

Artistry:  Great point.  If so, he heard these gems from Ashley:

"Everything that's good is bonus; everything that's bad is compromise." So true.

"OK, how do I say this...I have faith in us - and it's because I know me - and I just need, like, I hope, you will just, like, have faith."

This is why we don't fast forward.  I actually had to rewind several times to catch the entirety of that last "sentence."

Better you say nothing.

Finesse:  Ashley clarified that her wheels were spinning, but she should see how fast they spin when I fast forward through her. I did stick with the date long enough to appreciate the enormity of the trainwreck. Brad first gets upset that Ashley never said she wanted to live in Austin.  Then he's upset that she wants to finish dental school.

Artistry: She says she wants to be a great dentist. Blind dental ambition. Deal with it.

Finesse: Brad is also concerned about how much she wants to travel.  In other words, he's trying all the different Emergency Exit doors to see which one works.  To the trained eye, like mine and yours, this is a just a long, drawn out dumping.  Basically, it's like 9:30-10:00am Monday-Friday at the office.

Artistry: "Just do what's best for you," Ashley says at one point. This would be like "Blue Valentine" if Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams fast forwarded through their entire marriage.

Finesse:  I have no idea what you're talking about.  Brad tries to cut the tension with an extremely dull knife, shouting during an awkward silence, "HAPPY TO BE HERE!!!"  Ashley still accepts the overnight card, leading to scintillating conversation in the Fantasy Suite, such as where Brad ended 45 seconds of silence by looking around the lodge and then explaining, "just looking around the lodge."  Brad is lamenting that he just wants to talk to Ashley like they used to, you know, that one time they talked 6 weeks ago.

Artistry:  You might not know this, but Brad thinks Ashley is "one in a million."  Ashley asks, "What do you think of the nets, the mosquito nets," trying to fill the silence. "They work," Brad responds.

Effective.

Finesse:  Women love a man who knows how things work.

Despite their worst efforts, Brashley is not meant to be.  Brad takes Ashley aside before the Rose Ceremony to flush the dump, and each person attempts to take 100% of the blame, which of course just means they don't like each other.  After Brad tells her that he needs to let her go, they stand up, appear set for a final embrace, and then Brad declares icily, "I'm confident in my decision."  Ouch.  Nonetheless, he dusts off his patented I-just-dumped-you-but-I'm-going-to-be-super-polite move, nearly body checking Ashley out of the way so he can open the limo door for her.

Artistry:  Most shocking moment of the season was that after being cast aside, this Lady did not profusely thank the Bachelor for the amazing journey.  But thankfully, next week we have the Bachelor reunion show, where many of the women who did thank Brad for teaching them so much about love will return to compete to be the next Bachelorette tell their stories. Look for these Ladies to prove once again that they've forgotten more about being crazy than you will ever know.

Finesse:  Thanks for your work molding 10,000 words of our notes into a conversation.  Like I've always said, "Michaelangelo carved the David out of a pretty big piece of stone."

Pacific Hurricane

The southeast U.S. gets their intense tropical storms---hurricanes--with sustained wind speeds greater than 64 knots (74 mph). Well, we don't get tropical storms because of the cool waters of the Pacific, but we do get storms--known as midlatitude cyclones--with hurricane force winds! And one is about to visit our coast.

For many runs our numerical forecast models have predicted this event, and satellite imagery shows the storm revving up in the Pacific. Here are the sea level pressure predictions for 4 AM and 1 PM tomorrow (click to expand):

The central pressure of the low drops to roughly 965 mb (very deep low pressure) and the pressure differences (gradient) are HUGE. Huge pressure differences imply very, very strong winds. The low track takes it over the NW corner of Vancouver Island, which is too far offshore for the western Washington interior to get megawinds (like the Chanukah Eve storm for example) But the coast and offshore water will get hammered.

To illustrate, here are the prediction wind gusts from the UW WRF model for 1 AM and 10 AM tomorrow (with sea level pressures). At 1 AM there are gusts of over 75 knots along the southern Oregon coast and only 40-50 kts along the Washington coast. At 10 AM there is a whole area of greater than 75 knot gusts south of northern Vancouver Island.

Don't think that the western lowlands will escape this completely. It will be breezy everywhere, but NW Washington, and particularly the Strait of Georgia area....Whidbey up through the San Juans...will have strong winds as indicated by this plot of gusts at 10 AM tomorrow:40-60 mph gusts are quite possible in this locations...so be prepared.

The NOAA Wavewatch 3 model suggests 8-9 meter significant wave heights from this storm tomorrow at 10 AM--see graphic. Remember strong waves required high winds, large fetch, and duration. This fast-moving storm is doing it with mainly high winds.


Tonight and tomorrow would be a good time for coastal storm watching. Here is one of my favorite sites for monitoring the surf conditions along the coast:

http://www.surfwa.org/Surf-Report-WA-OR-BC.html

I really believe that storm-related tourism could be a major boon for our coast--and is relatively untapped. A few of us have suggested a museum of Pacific storms, tsunamis and shipwrecks in Ocean Shores and Westport. And organized storm watching with local hotels, b&bs, and restaurants participating. This could be a huge economic stimulus for the coast and fun for the rest of us. Here is the link to a previous blog about this:

http://cliffmass.blogspot.com/2009/11/pacific-storms-museum.html

But so far very little interest among the political folks on the coast! One politico there (who I shall not name but who was a mayor of a major town) laughed at the idea. And such a museum would be a great addition to the new coastal radar!

Dancing With Hines Ward

By Artistry

Like a classic blindside hit by the titular Hall of Fame-bound Steelers wide receiver, we never saw this coming.

Does Hines Ward's presence on the new season of the ABC show mean GTOG will watch "Dancing with the Stars?" I can't speak for Finesse, but this might be where I draw the line, despite Sugar Ray Leonard's observation that DWTS is "spiritual." In a world - and in a blog - where sports and pop culture have become so intertwined, there is still something to be said for compartmentalization.

A couple of other notes this morning:

- Pirate beat writer, former Penguin beat writer, and longtime GTOG favorite Dejan Kovacevic has a nice piece in the PPG on Kris Letang. For the record, we were pushing Letang for the Norris in October.

- Hall of Fame hockey writer Dave Molinari rebounded nicely after sleeping through the NHL trade deadline by introducing a new hockey term this morning: the "Full Frontal Kovalev." It's his vivid use of metaphor and imagery that put Molinari in the Hall of Fame in the first place. Thanks for that one.

- Huge African episode of the Bachelor last night, complete with moments like Brad checking out a giraffe as he courts one of the Ladies and says things like, "That's a very pretty animal you know what I mean? In a weird way. I mean, this is his home." GTOG has a retroactive liveblog coming later today.

Hasslefree friends part 3

Third model, this hilarious miniature was intended to depict my other male classmate and friend Robin who is very much into Ultimate Fighting Challange - something I always call "Ultimate Wraaaastling" only to make fun of him (Wraaaastling as in the South Park episode about "real" Olympic Wrestling). So I figured I would give him a miniature with a ridiculous "costume" as he and my other male friend Gylfi (GoatBoy) always seem to talk about the outfits of each contestant in that show.


He's also heavily tattooed but luckily most of the tattoos are on his back and the other arm, the only tattoos visible that had to be painted was the rose on his side and some music notes on the shoulder

The model is Hasslefree "MadDog", I think the skin came out pretty good -  the cape not so much. But the later might be partially explained by my MattVarnish running out as I was varnishing all 4 models.