You see, I had a dream over the weekend where the characters from the movie Planet Terror were replaced by fast food commercial characters. Naturally, if you haven't seen the movie, there may be a few spoilers in this.
This gets really weird really fast. Won't you join me in the laughs.
I have to mention one of the strangest substitutions first, because it sets up everything else.
Rose McGowan's Cherry Darling was Grimace. Now picture that freak of nature trying to do the pole dancing with its short legs and stubby arms. I can't stop laughing because that image is just so strangely funny. And the idea of Grimace running around with a gun for a leg is just bizarre.
Marley Shelton's Dr. Dakota Block was played by Birdie, which isn't that weird considering. There isn't that many female characters in the fast food world, so this makes sense (though some would argue that my subconscious should have made Cherry Birdie, but that is just splitting hairs really).
Dr. William Block (Josh Brolin) was The Burger King, which is best dream casting ever, because he is the creepiest character in that movie. Of course, if the dream was utilizing the framework of No Country for Old Men, you know that the Burger King would have been Anton Chigurh.
Freddy Rodriguez's Wray was The Hamburglar, and when he did that sweet running flip off the wall, the hat stayed on, making the maneuver that much more awesome. Now, imagine Hamburglar riding the minibike. Of course, when you think about the fact that later in the movie, Hamburglar and Grimace get it on, you can understand why that reel of reel the movie went missing.
Deputy Tolo and Sheriff Hague (Tom Savini and Michael Biehn respectively) were played by Officer Big Mac and Mayor McCheese. I would have thought that J.T. would have been one of those two characters because the Sheriff is his brother and those two McDonald's characters share more than a passing similarity to each other.
And J.T. (Jeff Fahey) was Jack in the Box, Bruce Willis was The Big Boy and Naveen Andrews was Colonel Sanders.
Also notable is the fact that Naveen Andrews' line "I also want the balls" was transmogrified as "I also want the McNuggets." I don't know if he was referring to testicles as McNuggets or if he really wanted McNuggets (I could see a character based on the Colonel having a bag full of the testicles of his fast food enemies.
But what I find hilarious is that despite the fact that McDonald's characters dominated it, there was no Ronald McDonald. I don't know... maybe if the dream would have continued, he would have been Machete or someone from another trailer in the Grind House feature.
I don't have nightmares... but I think this once again proves that I have weird dreams.
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