The Bachelor Episode 2 Recap: Brad is Simultaneously Scared, Excited, Scared, On His Way to Finding His Wife, and Scared. And Nervous.

By Finesse and Artistry

Who knew that: 1) being a handsome man put up in a Beverly Hills mansion; 2) with an Aston Martin to drive around 30 women, a large percentage of whom are beautiful, a larger percentage of whom are crazy, and an even larger percentage of whom have enhanced assets; 3) with your one task being to take them on uncomfortable dates that both you and the women convince yourselves that you are responsible for setting up and designing, despite reality and common sense dictating otherwise; 4) with these dates predictably have the same effect on the women's hormones as that particle accelerator in England...could be so.....terrifying?

Well, to our Bachelor Brad and many of his plastic suitors, this journey leaves them racked with fear and makeup.  In no particular order, we learned that: Brad is scared that these women have doubt; two women have fear that they have doubt; that Brad is nervous; that Brad is scared of his father; Brad's greatest fear is ending up alone (an underdog choice, defeating "being around Melissa" which was the favorite at 2:1); Brad is scared that Jackie didn't have enough sex in college; Brad is scared that "Jackie is cautious"; and that Brad is scared about letting his walls down.

Thankfully, the producers brought out the one couple who knows all about feeling scared, vulnerable, and in need of protection -- Ali and Roberto.  In their eternal glisten, these two were tasked with interviewing each of the remaining women to determine, of course, whether each was here for the "right reasons" or the "wrong reasons."  This is like bringing Bill Walsh back from the dead to talk about the west-coast offense.

We miss Ali.

Unfortunately, the producers decided NOT to show us the advice that was given by Ali and Roberto to Brad, maybe because Roberto couldn't keep a straight face or maybe because Ali looked...ummm...worse?  (Our trained eyes were able to determine that Ali has no patience for Melissa's crying).  Skeptics would tell you that Ali and Roberto couldn't possibly evaluate a woman's "reasons for being here" in a 2-3 minute meeting, but those skeptics don't have Roberto's skill in crafting all-encompassing questions, such as "How do you feel about Brad and like being here and this whole situation and all the other girls kinda being there going for the same guy?"  That about covers it.

Aside from fear, Monday's episode had several other themes, but we only have time to hit a few.

- Theme: Raichel's insults of Melissa that we will incorporate in our daily vernacular.  As Melissa continuously followed Rachel with an 'i' around the three or four different pool decks on each of which Brad led the group in a "cheers" to "getting to know each other," she abrasively berated Raichel for, yes, being abrasive.  This caused Raichel to respond by saying:

• "You are like a toxic disease to me on this, like, journey"
• "I need to move.  I do not need you to, like, obstruct the rest of my life."

- Theme: Artistry and Poise getting sucked in.  At the end of Brad's carefree giggling with Ashley, Poise declared, "That was actually a really good date."  And in part 1 of his two part stream-of-consciousness emails about the show, Artistry strayed from comparisons to Sally Wiggin and the 1985 Pirates and accidentally let his walls down to reveal that, "Brad has a tangible intelligence."  I'm not sure these two are here for the right reasons.

- Theme: Michelle's Birthday.  In case you didn't know, Monday's episode occurred on Michelle's 30th birthday.  For this remarkable achievement, she received the group date rose from Brad, either because he thinks she is hot or because ABC's security team told him that to avoid incident, she needed appeasement.  Would she have been on "My Sweet 16" if that show had existed in 1996?  Silly question.  Kudos to Michelle, however, for being honest about her age (we think), in contrast to Melissa, who, in the span of 30 seconds of berating Raichel, exclaimed both "I'm 31" and "I'm 32."  Translation: "I'm 38."

Artistry has Michelle pegged as the "black swan" of the group, which apparently must mean something. He knows she is hiding a dark secret.  Don't doubt Artistry on this one.

- Theme: Doing Good.  Brad assembled the gaggle to film PSA's for the Red Cross encouraging people to donate blood.  What a hero.  I can't think of any better way to help the Red Cross collect blood than spending a day at the Red Cross not giving blood.

- Theme: Jackie feels special.  Brad's date with Jackie to sit in an empty "amp-i-the-a-tor" (in Brad-speak) to listen to Train stirred up a range of emotion for Jackie.  She felt "special," "like a special lady," "like Cinderella," "like a princess," like she "has never experienced something so magical," "like a princess," curious as to "why are you making me feel like a princess?" "as beautiful as I've ever felt," "special," "living in a dream," and "on cloud 9."  That's a hell of a date, even if Artistry compared their chemistry to Sally Wiggin interviewing Ben Roethlisberger.  

- Theme: Cleaning House.  If there is one thing he does have patience for, it's changing his shirt.  If there is one thing Brad has no patience for, it's drama.  Accordingly, Brad sent Keltie the Rockette, Raichel, and Melissa home.  Like the Pirates after the 1985 drug trials, he cleaned house.

- Theme: Chris Harrison.  He is the rock of this show, the "glue-guy" if you will.  Undoubtedly the best part of the show is when there is one rose left and Chris somberly comes in the living room to make clear, "Ladies.  Brad.  Final rose tonight."  Gets me every time.

Indispensable.