There are bad movies that I admit that I love, and then there are those movies that just shouldn't be. They suck the life out of everyone involved and those that watch them, and as a public service, I thought I would choose a few from my own history of movies that you should never see if you can avoid it.
Now I am not going to pick an easy targets like movies based on a video game or directed by Uwe Boll or Ed Wood. Battlefield Earth and Santa With Muscles, despite being horrific movies will also not be lamented here. No, these are movies that I got blindsided by their crappuessence. These are some of the clunkers that cost me precious life.
Keys to Tulsa: This 1997 movie stars Eric Stolz, James Spader and Michael Rooker and features such luminaries as Cameron Diaz, James Coburn and Mary Tyler Moore. It is also one of the most boring movies I have ever seen and was pretty much uninteresting in every way. It was for sale at my local Blockbuster for 2 dollars and I was sorely tempted to buy it to prevent someone else from purchasing it and experiencing the same level of mind-shattering apathy and abject boredom that I had gone through back in 1998. Yes, I remember how bad this movie was from 8 years ago, which should really say something about it.
Mission Impossible 2: It seems like I didn't really think about this and I am copping out, but no, in reality this to me is one of the worst big budget movies ever made. I wanted to like this movie, I really did. I mean, I enjoyed the first movie in this franchise, but this, this was something completely different. It is like the perfect storm of crapitude for me. I don't like Tom Cruise, not a big fan of John Woo's work and let's face it, the script and dialogue are mediocre at best, but even that is not enough to make this one of those movies that sucked precious hours away from my life that I will never get back. No, on all levels this movie doesn't work. Perhaps there might have been a sliver of quality in this movie if you know, Tom Cruise didn't lock John Woo out of the editing room, but even then, I still think this movie would still stink as bad as the proverbial midden pile it represents cinematically. I just have to ask Ving Rhames and Anthony Hopkins what they thought they would get out of this experience aside from a paycheck.
Chairman of the Board: OK, I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but with Larry Miller, Rachel Welch and M. Emmet Walsh rounding out the cast of the Carrot Top/Courtney Thorne-Smith vehicle, well, I thought that it would at least be funny from a bad movie point of view, but alas, it was not. Norm Macdonald ripped this movie far better than I ever could, so I shall quote him. Alternate title for this movie: "Box office poison" and when presented with the real title of the movie, he quipped that the Board was spelled B-O-R-E-D. Of course, I've seen Dirty Work, so I don't really think he is in a position to talk.
Shining Through: Picture it, a World War II picture where because of her skills at baking pastries, Melanie Griffith is used to spy on a German officer by American Intelligence services. Michael Douglas, John Gielgud(!) and Liam Neeson couldn't make this shit float. It won 3 Razzies the year it came out, though it should have won more, because wow, this is the triple crown of bad. At least this wasn't Gielgud's last movie. That would make it all the more tragic.
So in closing, I gave up nearly 8 hours of my life watching these movies, and as a public service I am telling you NOT to watch them if you have the opportunity.
Now, are there any movies that you regret watching and wish you had invested time returned to you?
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