5 AM: Roll out of bed and suddenly have the desire to buy mutual funds and property. End up watching informercials featuring Tommy Wu. End up falling asleep in a chair.
9 AM: Wake up again. Decide against having a cheese omeltte because it would be bad for my heart. Eat whole wheat toast and some grapefruit. Mystified that there is actually a grapefruit and whole wheat bread in the house.
11 AM: Turn on the radio and discover that modern music sucks. Silenty wish I had an IPod. Check mailbox... received 4 cards and a final notice from Student Loans. Wonder if they actually have the power to strip me of my degree.
1 PM: Watch 1976's Logan's Run... weep uncontrollably.
3:30 PM: Go to the mirror and wince as a notice I've developed grey streaks at the temples. Wonder if this makes me more or less Jon Stewart-like... I start to feel cranky.
4 PM: Get a call from very pregnant sister. Suddenly have a longing for a pair of tiny little feet running around the house. Play with the dog and get over it.
5 PM: Suddenly develop a kidney stone, heart disease and the gum disease gingivitis. Acne no longer a problem.
7 PM: A couple of friends drop by bearing gifts. One is Greek, so being the wiser from many years of education, I do not let them in without looking their gift, a wooden horse, in the mouth.
7:30 PM: Turn on Entertainment Tonight and discover that it is also Samuel L. Jackson and Kiefer Sutherland's birthday... and feel like a fellow badass... until they say that it is also the birthday of Andy Dick and Ray Romano.
8:37PM: Eat Pizza Pizza. So full. Must. Open. Pants. Tell friends "Just you wait until you are this age".
10 PM: Go out to a club with younger friends. Gawk at 19-year old girls, and then in the back in the mind I remember that I was going through puberty around the time they were born, and that I could technically be their father. Half-expecting Chris Hansen to show up to do an expose report. Belie my age by saying "What?" a lot. Get depressed when no one will kiss me because they don't want to get gingivitis. Fall asleep on a velvet couch after dancing to "Baby Got Back".
3 AM, December 22nd: Somehow wake up alone in my own bed. Wonder if it was all a bad dream... find Andy Dick's number in my pants pocket. Scream.
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