An easy ALPHA/BETA test

Athol's advice also lends itself to a simple and basic relationship metric:

OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s wifey? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Wifey…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s wifey! She’s in the laundry. Hi wifey. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh wifey your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So stop it. Stop chasing your wife through the house like a toddler. She’ll be right back. Just because you can’t see her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.

STOP IT. JUST DON’T DO IT.

If she complains that you're smothering her: BETA

If she complains that you ignore her and spend all your time [fill in the blank]: ALPHA

It's not entirely true, of course, but it's a potentially useful rule of thumb. And while both are potentially problems, the fact that they require such different solutions should indicate the importance of correctly marking where you stand.